more complicated than I seem.

Do you prefer traveling at night or in the mornings?

I don't mind either. 

So, why don't you travel at night so that you have some time to rest before you go to work?

So that you won't cry.

But I will cry regardless - it has nothing to do with night or morning. 

No, what I meant was that I don't want him to see you cry.

xxx

But yesterday, despite my best efforts, I cried -- in front of him -- I cried. The day's events were just overly overwhelming. No one hurt me and no one made me cry -- at least not intentionally -- I just did.

I know that sometimes, he says the darnest things -- things he doesn't at all mean, but there are times when his words just cut through my heart like a knife and it baffles me as to why I'm so hurt because hey, let's face it -- he's just 4!

It may just be my raging hormones. It may also be my way of telling him how hurt I feel when I see him cry. It may just be my fear of the unknown -- of the time when there will be 2 of them to deal instead of just 1. It may also be my guilt towards the new baby with whom I'm already feeling like a total failure with even before I've started!

My husband tells me that I need support. I tell him that in reality, there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but there are times when I can be more complicated than I seem. 

little things that mean big things.

I just turned 31 on 12.02.2016 but it kind of feels like I've been celebrating for a while now already.

It began with - 

Ms. Cherry Blossom wheeshing through our gates with an unexpectedly meaningful "symbol of love", so to speak, which has made us fuss over it silly. 

Then, came his trip back to us, bearing gifts -- (1) of his arriving home safely; and (2) the thing which I have for a long while now, been needing so very badly. 

On The Day itself, came a bouquet of flowers through my door with a really funny delivery story -- which then lead to a colleague discovering that that day was my birthday. 

So, after lunch, they (my colleagues) cheekily sneaked up on me in my room bearing cakes to surprise me.

-- only to be surprised in return when a certain "someone" (re: Luqman) crept out from under my table, where he was previously napping. 

The string of all things good seem to have some spillover effect on the weekends -- where our time was well spent with friends and family. 

And the only bummer was probably my having to watch my husband drive back to where he came from while I got all teary (yes, 1 month in the arrangement and I'm still pretty much a crybaby).

This year, we didn't take the obligatory leave to celebrate as we do normally. And nope, we didn't plan on anything fancy.

Instead, we embraced life as it came and gave each other what we needed the most -- which is our presence, our patience, our love -- and each other. 

-- and of course, all the little things that mean big things that matter.

we're never just mothers anymore.

Pejam celik -- it's already the 28th day of January. 

Though it's been a pretty challenging month, what with me handling Luqman on my own with my ever growing belly, I've got to say that it hasn't been all that bad. 

Because in all honesty, it's been a pretty productive month too! 

Among the things that I love about my pregnancies (so far at least) is that those 9 months are almost always the most productive time of my life -- like ever! Sure, I do have off days where all I want to do is curl up and sleep and some days, I do just give in and sleep (don't ask where or how), but most days, I'm just happy to get things done and being productive just genuinely makes me happy -- which I reckon is good for producing happy babies (in sha Allah). 

Speaking of which, with time passing by so fast, it kind of scares me a little that my EDD (16.04.2016) is getting nearer. I pretty much had a non-eventful labour the last time, Alhamdulillah and despite my early breastfeeding and motherhood hurdles, things have turned out fine with Luqman (at least for now).

But having said that, it has been 4 years since I last raised a newborn and I've kind of forgotten what I did right (and wrong HAHA)... so I guess it's true what they say about mothers making different mistakes with each child -- as if they've never been a mother before. 

Phew.  

Speaking of motherhood, I noticed that mothers these days like to label ourselves according to groups -- according to how we prefer to bring up and/or feed our children, for example. It seems like we're never just mothers.

There's "Natural Parenting" and "Gentle Parenting" and "Home Made Solid Food For Babies" and "Baby Wearing" and "Kumpulan Ibu Menyusu" and all kinds of other names abbreviated into fancy little labels.

While I admit that these groups are great help especially for the once "Newbie Mom" and also "I Forgot How I Did Things Second Time Mom" like myself, and that it is extremely commendable to keep increasing ourselves in knowledge -- I have to say that I find some groups to be extremely intimidating -- and please, let's not get started on how high-handed some mothers can be about their choices -- hence making them seem extremely judgmental about others' choices. And what's up with using religion as part of your argument for every little thing?
 

What happened to doing something/anything that just seems like the right thing to do at that point in time? What happened to intuition -- the thing that only mothers (and fathers too) have when it comes to their children? What happened to being a diversified and flexible parent which allows you to just go with the flow when the situation requires -- so that your children too will grow up to be diversified and flexible. What is up with us and our obsession with all the labels we stick to ourselves? We are not trademarked products -- we are people -- PARENTS!

I truly believe that a parent can never be just one type of parent -- I know that Gentle Parenting promotes a parent to be Authoritative, which I agree wholeheartedly with BUT having said that, some things have got to give. I believe that no parent likes to use threats but if your paramount consideration is to get out of the door in one piece during school runs early in the mornings (while getting to work on time too!) -- then use those little threats if they work. And if the only way to get your son to finish his dinner is by letting him have some TV time and probably a few pieces of OREO before dinner time, so be it! -- as long as he eats his dinner and you (more like I) don't have to wake up 10,000 times a night to make milk because he's hungry.

I guess I've been taught from my early days of motherhood that we must teach our children things that we can live with. Sure, it's noble to give our kids better things than we ever had but if it breaks our banks and causes unnecessary stress and resentment, what will we become as a parent? So, let the child sleep while we have the TV on, keep the blinds open during the day during nap time so that you don't have to keep the house dark just because your kid needs to sleep, supplement with formula if you've been pumping 6 times a day and you still can't fulfill your child's need of 21 oz at least while you're at work.

As long as you're not abusing your child, keeping them safe and not depriving them of their education, you're doing a great job as a parent -- at least in my books. After all, parenthood is not a competition -- so long as you've got your strings intact and no labels attached ;)    

in case this is the last time.

"Let me photograph you in this light

in case this is the last time

that we might be exactly like we were

before we realised

we we sad of getting old

it made us restless

it was just like a movie

it was just like a song..."

Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for us since my husband lost 2 of his good friends -- both of whom I knew -- one through my friendship with one of my TKC girls and the other, through basketball gatherings. 

There are really no words I can say right now -- as those words have been said to those who matter the most.

But the song above basically captures my thoughts (and hopefully explains the tears) as I watched my husband drive away in the wee hours of Sunday morning, back to where he came from, demi sesuap rezeki. 

Because it took those two deaths to make me really realise that "from him we come and to him we shall return". 

Al-Fatihah for the both of them. May they both be placed among the righteous and rest peacefully.

the struggle is real.

Today is my "Saturday" although it's only Friday on the calendar. 

Last night we waited with baited breathes for the long-anticipated arrival of Daddy (it's been 2 weeks since we parted!!!). And when he finally arrived, we both just didn't want to sleep because sleeping seemed like such a waste of valuable time. But we had to sleep because we have work and school respectively to attend today although it's already the weekends for Daddy.

 

This is probably my first time experiencing a mismatch insofar as weekends go and I've got to tell you -- the struggle is real. 

So, hats off to those who have been doing this for yonks and years. 

I know that these hours will eventually turn into days, then weeks, then months and then years and eventually, it will all be over (will it?) but for now, everything seems so... indefinite.   

I'm at that stage where I'm not really sure what I should do. 

For me, life has always ironed itself out in the way it should be without too much interference on my part, especially when it comes to things which are beyond my control. I have always, always believed that good things come to those who wait (and pray - hard) -- In fact, this current unexpected long-distance relationship is something I accept with arms and heart wide open (notwithstanding the bucketful of tears, of course) because there was a point in our lives when I asked for the best for us -- just because I didn't know any better myself. 

So, I consider this the answer to my prayers -- although the situation might seem a little less than ideal.

Some might argue that better things come to those who hustle, which I actually agree -- but only to a certain extent. 

Because for me, when one hustles, they have to know what they are hustling for, which in my case -- I just don't know... at least not yet. 

All I know is that at the moment, I'm really feeling that the struggle is real. Because although tomorrow is only Saturday, in actual fact, it's already "Sunday" for us all.

May Allah ease our affairs and show me what I should do. 

we've been down this road before.

Exactly a week ago, The Real Day came. 

I remember how we delayed the departure with our 1001 excuses -- until -- it just wasn't safe or sensible to do so anymore and that's when we finally parted ways. 

I told you that I would never get used to it (and frankly I don't think I'm going to try hehe), so that you knew why I was crying -- and after knowing me for so long, you knew that I was better off crying anyway. 

Because we've been down this road before. 

We already know that it doesn't get any easier -- we just get better. We get better at managing whatever that needs to be managed -- like our expectations -- our time -- our relationship -- ourselves. 

Like today for example, despite telling myself to take things slow, I actually woke up super early to cook and get some laundry done. I even managed to slot a catnap in between while my son minded himself. I've been down this road before. I know that the only way for me to get things done in the way I want them done is by putting in some extra hours -- which can either be through staying up or rising early. And of course, being the morning person that I am, I'd choose to rise early. That, or I should really consider getting myself some permanent domestic help, especially with Adik Baby on the way.

Well, anyways. It's been a week since The Real Day and things have been... okay? My emotional state is of course, rather questionable but hey, I'm 25 weeks pregnant -- most 25-week pregnant women I know get emotional over the silliest things so I'll grant myself some leeway for all the unexplainable tears I've cried. 

Sometimes -- I'm reminded of how I just stood by the front door, not budging until your headlights disappeared. 

Sometimes -- I think about how wrong it felt to switch the porch lights off because we never do that until everyone of us is home.

Sometimes, I am reminded of October; some other times those 10 days in December. 

Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed with how empty your side of the bed is and how we both seem to not encroach into it, you know, just in case you show up in the middle of the night. 

So, yes, my emotional state is rather questionable. But we've been through this before.

And God willing, we will survive this one too -- hopefully unscathed.

♥

the 10-day extension.

I was counting down the days to The Day -- and it finally came. 

The countdown finally reached the Zero Day mark. *gasp*. But like all other things in 2015, The Day didn't at all go as I thought it would. *double gasp*

Instead, The Day was somehow or rather postponed for about 10 more days where we were given the opportunity to spend ample time with each other -- albeit all of us being "stuck" in a hospital room with 2 of the loves of my life being warded in the hospital for dengue fever for 8 out of those 10 days. 

I wouldn't say that the situation was ideal, but I would say that those 10 days changed us -- and gave us what we needed instead of what we wanted. 

Sure, we wanted the 10-day extension, but we didn't think we needed those 10 days that bad.

In those 10 days, we went through a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions. If my life were lived in an emoticon world, I think it would have used up all of the available emoticons and so much more.

There was once when my husband's platelet count went down to 52 and the very next day, my son's dropped down to 97. The doctor ordered 3 blood draws per day for my husband to monitor his condition, the pediatrician ordered suppositories to be administered to my son every 4 hours because his fever wouldn't crash (39 degrees Celsius, no less) and I was told that at this point, both of them were susceptible to hemorrhaging due to their low platelet count. 

And all I could do then was cry. And pray. And cry some more. 

These are the loves of my life we are talking about -- these are the people I have given 5 years (and more) of my life loving to the moon and back -- these are the people I never knew I could love this much -- in fact, so much more than I even loved myself. 

In those 10 days, we all learned a valuable lesson about love and life -- that it is as temporary -- that it is fragile -- that it could be taken away from you without warning -- that health is indeed the greatest wealth we can have -- that crying is okay (because it helps) -- and most importantly, that in times of calamity such as this, what we really need is a handhold that never breaks -- that Allah is indeed the best of planners, no matter how clueless we are of what His plans really are.

Alhamdulillah, the worst is over (and they survived!!!) and we are all recovering physically and mentally from the ordeal. 

And I am grateful to once again be given the opportunity to spend the first day of 2016 (our 5th year Anniversary!!!) with my 2 cheeky monkeys (well, let's make that 3, because it has to include the little baby girl growing inside my tummy), in what must be one of the most appreciated low-key celebrations. 

Thank you Allah for my wonderful family. 

overwhelmingly plateaued.

... is the oxymoron that 2015 was/has been, in a nutshell. 

I knew it would somehow be different from 2014 -- which is what I anticipated the moment we closed the 2014 chapter, but I frankly never ever expected 2015 to turn out the way it did. 

Not in a million years, I didn't. 

I've lost count of the many times I thought about penning the things that tickled my fancy; of the things I observed, of the things I hated, of the things I loved, of the things I thought, of the place we now call our home and of course, of my son who lights up my whole wide world with him being at my most favourite age of all -- but nothing ever came out. Not even on my scribbling paper, where I would sometimes go when I didn't have the time to log on to my account. 

Instead, I hopped around from one favourite blog to another, just marveling at how others were coping with their lives and being able to write so eloquently of their day to day on-goings. I also marvelled at how the younger ones seem to have so much youth, so much passion in whatever they were doing and most of all -- of how much humour they seem to still have in them, which I quite frankly miss and wish I still had. 

xxx

Honestly, one of the reasons why I stopped writing is because I hated the tone of my posts. 

There are so many things I should be thankful and grateful for in 2015. Like for example, despite the imposition of GST and the increasing cost of living, we still found ourselves to be relatively comfortable; we had a choice -- if we didn't like A we could always switch to B or C or so on and so forth. BUT we or rather I just couldn't make myself sound grateful for all the things I have/had. 

Yes, it's true that I may have been too busy living life to the fullest in 2015 to even have the time to write about them or to seem grateful about them through my blog posts but having been a blogger for the longest time, it never occurred to me that I would ever be bitten by the Mental Block Bug! Yeah sure, I've been bit by it before but to suffer so much from the bite and for so long after? I never in a million years thought!

xxx

Everything in 2015 seems like such a remote past to me right now. Everything in the first quarter where we were busy with our Big Move seems like such a blur and everything after that -- even more of a blur. Days passed by us in rapid speed, every single day, and yet every single day was a drag. We were overwhelmed with change, but at the same time, our changes had bit by bit plateaued.

xxx

Until, I sat at the toilet seat one day, holding the stick while I peed, wondering why my period never came (the last time it did that was some good 4/5 years ago).

And then I knew that 2016 had to be better than any of the best years we've had before.

 xxx

So, goodbye 2015, I am glad you're finally over.

And welcome 2016 -- I sure do hope that you'd be one of the better ones.

the "apple".

Since I reinstalled the FB app on my phone, I've been getting numerous memory reminders on a daily basis -- which I consider both a blessing and a curse at the same time.

And today, one of the memories was exactly that -- a good and sad memory at the same time. 

Sad, considering the current ongoings involving changes in our organisation, which shall not be told so publicly. And good because back then, we really did find amusement in the simplest, silliest things -- which in this case was the "apple".

Those memories date back to so many years ago -- 6 years to be exact and though I have obviously moved on with life, got myself some equally good new friends and only occasionally keep in touch with those whom I've had (real good) memories with, I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. 

Truth is, a huge part of me misses being able to be so carefree about everything, including blogging -- without the underlying fear of hurting, annoying or offending anyone unnecessarily. Oh, and also without the fear of having someone or anyone maliciously screenshot my words/pictures to be twisted to their own advantage as as when they please. 

I don't know what's become of the online scene these days, but I find myself annoyed (probably unnecessarily too, let's blame the hormones for this) with how people think they know so much of other people, just by being their "friend" online, when in actual fact -- they don't. 

Which is probably one the biggest reasons why there's more than 10+ pending "follower" requests on my IG, which have been left "unnoticed". Not that I'm such a big shot, no. But I sometimes question the motive of those who "follow" people who they don't even say hi to when face to face. I'm probably guilty of this too, but trust me, I am trying to not "follow" so many "acquaintances" these days, because tak tahu lah apa pekdahnya kepada diri sendiri.

Having said that, I really do miss those times when we could joke about 3 apples having a threesome -- without anyone taking any offence or telling us that we are perempuan sesat yang akan masuk neraka.

the reset button.

Yesterday, FB's memories brought me back to a memory from 2 years ago --

"Heaven favours the strong and the just."

And I have been cracking my head eversince, just trying to remember what it was that happened a couple of years ago, which warranted such a statement.

I still can't remember but I suspect that it had to do with one of the major changes we've had to go through in our lives. 

Here's the thing -- every New Year seems to bring with it not only a whole new year, but also a reset button for our personal lives too. 

And though most of the time I am well armed and ready for what ever that may come my way (as the case is this time around), this particular reset button brings with it a different kind of feel. 

The closer we get to the day -- the more real it gets -- and the more emotional I become just thinking about the eventualities, the possibilities, the loneliness and the empty other side of everything. 

So some days, I allow myself to break down into a puddle of tears each time I think of the inevitability of having to press the reset button. Yes, heaven favours the strong... but surely there in strength in my softness?

3 more days to go. 

Bismillah. 

To the reset button we shall go.

Against all odds.

"Real love does not end just because things get difficult, 

Real love can withstand anything, 

You don't just simply give up because it's hard."

Some days, I just feel like saying, " Don't Go", but I know that that would just be selfish.

So I muster all the strength I can gather, put up a smile on my face and tell myself -- I'm stronger than I think-- and most definitely stronger than anyone else thinks. 

You don't know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.

10 days to go. 

Bismillah.