what about now?

These days, I’m always deep in thought. There haven’t been those fleeting moments when I felt like writing something and actually end up writing it for a while now. These days, my thoughts remain just thoughts. They haven’t made their way into the blogging world just yet. I’m not so sure why.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from a dear friend. I could get used to people calling me to tell me they miss me, I really can. But yesterday’s conversation was nothing short of… disturbing. It’s about the choices we make and the paths we take. And mostly, it was about the reasons we make those choices.

Sometimes, I think it ridiculous that other people determine the way in which we should go. I always despise it when the course of my life is chartered like I were a ship on schedule, but I understand the part where we sometimes don’t have a choice. I wish we had more choice sometimes.

Can someone tell us they know what’s best for us, even if they are our parents? I know parents want the best for their children, but knowing what is best is a different thing altogether. I appreciate the fact that they have brought us up with so much care and love in the world that they wouldn’t want anything less than best for us, but does that really, really make them know what best is?

That’s really just a moot point. More like a rhetorical question I don’t expect anyone to answer.

On a lighter and not-s0-related-at-all note, I have started baking again. Yesterday, I was on leave and so I decided to end the day with one of my favourite pastimes. Although one of the recipe’s a new one I got off the internet, it’s quite yummy, if I may say so myself (puji diri sendiri, of course). I also made chocolate brownies cupcakes…

Sometimes, I wish I had more off days. Sometimes, I wish I could sit down and think about now and not tomorrow or next month or next year. Sometimes, I really just wished we could live for the day. I’m not so sure why we keep on thinking about tomorrow and the days after.

But I guess that’s just the way things go in our lives. One minute we’re all unburdened by worry and the next thing we know we’re not so sure what we’re living for anymore.

As for tonight, I’m going to practice my buttercream skills.

if you wana be my lover.

come to me and bring me Push Pop all the way from Tapah just because i gave his Razzles last weekend.
make me laugh after a long and hard day at work.
make me believe that i am beautiful even without a speck of make-up on.

only then can you be my lover.
i bet you can't make me laugh like that. :)
he doesn't even try.
Encik is the best :)

not sure why.

I’m not sure why. It might just be me and my imagination, but is someone really, really pissed off with something to the point of not wanting to talk to me? Maybe. I’m not sure what I did wrong. Or maybe I didn’t do anything. Either way, I need some enlightenment, please.

I’m in the office with some reading to do, but with my mind on Facebook and Blogger every 5 seconds. So, let me appease my craving. I haven’t been doing some serious typing in a while now.

*****

Last week, I thought I would be transferred to another Division. Suddenly, I’m now in the same Division I started out in. It’s confusing. Even I am confused. In the past 8 months or so of working, I’ve had 3 bosses. Go figure.

But things are all good right now. All but one, that is. I really do not understand people who actually have tentacles. I do not know how one person can sleep at night when she has so many people hating her for the absurd ways she does things. Like I said, she has tentacles. And I shall refrain from saying anything else.

But I like where I am right now, and as much as possible, I am not going to let her get to me. InsyaAllah.

*****

There’s so much going on in the papers right now. I say a lot going on in the papers and not world because the papers might not necessarily be telling the truth. They either commit omissions or over-exaggerate. It’s a bit difficult to get a paper with a balance nowadays, because truth definitely isn’t something which they take into account anymore.

Alternative sources such as blogs make better reading materials, really.

In all the things I’ve read, I’d just like to say one thing:
So what if I sleep naked? Did I ask you to buy me my skimpy pajamas or whatever I wear or do not wear to sleep?

Please. We’ve really got to move on and stop scandalizing all things trivial. It’s sickening.

you don't have what's mine.

Sorry you don’t have what’s mine.

You see, all 3 of us were born in February. We’re pretty tight because of that and my Kesayangans have, without fail planned something for all of us to enjoy every single year. And I thought last year’s picnic was superb. But this year’s birthday celebration was awesome with a capital A! And as if my stars were lucky, Encik was here with me this year! (this is a very rare occasion, we're on LDR, remember)

After lunch, we headed to Red Box. OMG. Did I tell you that I don’t sing in public? The closest to anyone I’ve sang to is anybody who sits beside me in the car (if they are “lucky”). Other than that, my steering wheel and mirror are... well, the only friends I sing to. But I sang! Jaja sang! Dean sang! Mamita sang! Adlin sang! The other 2 I won’t mention because they love karaoke ;p.

You have no idea how powerful Aspalela is! Honestly, that was the song where everyone stood up and started singing and DANCING!

You guys have no idea how much fun I had yesterday.
You people have no idea how euphoric I still feel after all that high.

“every time i look at the photos, i’m reminded by how great my life is that i have great friends to share it with. tq for yesterday darlings. so very much”

And sorry, you don’t have my friends. They are, truly irreplaceable. And my Encik is mine. No sharing! Ngee. ;P oops. [ possessive tuut alert ;p ]

ke-dua puluh enam.

Perkara 26:

I cannot be hungry. My gastric juices will rise and I will fall sick. I cannot go hungry. I must constantly munch or eat meals regularly. Therefore, 1/2 hour to lunch hour like this is not good. I CANNOT be hungry. Cannot :,(

[ will update later soon :) ]

my own.

You know, after having written so many birthday shout-outs and obituaries for others, I thought that this would be something extremely “run-of-the-mill” easy to write. But apparently, being narcissistic isn’t as easy as I thought it to be. But I shall try. After all, I’ve only got 3 more hours until it is somebody else’s day tomorrow.

I noticed that society loves to set milestones, age milestones being one of a few. We always make a big deal of 17, 21 and 25 for many historical and cultural and superstitious reasons of our own. But I don’t follow age milestones. In fact, I’ve set foot on my own path and gone on to enjoy whichever year I think I want to enjoy. And so far, I’ve tremendously enjoyed being 20, 22, 23 and right now, I feel real good about myself although the figure is a big 2-4.

I didn’t do anything special today but I’m extremely happy. I’ve been receiving throngs of messages and phone calls by all means possible and for that I am thankful and very, very grateful (though I know some only remembered because FB told them so, but still!). I honestly, really, really do appreciate the thought you people put into messaging me on my day.

Unlike last year, I didn’t prepare myself a cake or brownies or anything to celebrate. I was too bummed out last night to even think of baking. The closest to a birthday celebration is probably the RM 3.80 lunch I had with my colleague and the scrumptious dinner I had with my family.

I even stayed back at the office today to lend an extra pair of hands because I knew that my boss was a bit under the weather. It feels good to be part of something.

You know, being 24 is great. It really is because I’ve reached that age where I’m realistic about things, where I’m happy to know that I’m happy with what I have right now. So I may have parents who smother me sometimes, but I love them, nonetheless. I don’t know what I’d do or be without them. I have siblings far more matured than I am, but I still am the elder sister and they still are the best people in my life. I have friends who are so splendid, not having them around is unimaginable. I am in a relationship where we have reached a mutual understanding and respect for each other my heart glows at the thought of him.

I am now gainfully employed and mostly financially independent apart from the food on my dinner plate and the roof on my head [and the many benefits which come with that of course ;) ]. And mostly, I am happy. I am grateful for the many things I have. I am mindful of what others are not so fortunate to be deprived of. I am always reflecting and thinking of how things could be better.

And more than anything. I am me. This is me.
So, thank you to all who took the time to remember and write me a small note or give me a quick “I love you” call. I really appreciate your thought.

Now, I can’t wait for my night out with you Kesayangans because I have missed you people so tremendously.

Let’s hope this year’s a good one for all of us, shall we? :)

Sacred ceremony.

Did you know that weddings and marriages are sacred? I hope you do.

The pressure is on. But I’m on top of it, so that’s okay. My friends are married/planning to get married. The numbers are not very alarming (yet) but they are escalating by day. Every single word I type is the equivalent of every tick a bride-to-be puts on her checklist. Soon, I will run out of single friends to hang out with. And soon, I will be an aunty to many babies. Right now, I already am.

Thing is, marriage is a sacred thing and something not to be rushed into, least of all when you think you aren’t ready. It isn’t easy. Not that I’ve been in one, but I’ve been observing and it really isn’t something which you can make work with just a snap of your fingers. In fact, it takes more than two to tango.

A wedding is a different thing altogether and I think most people forget this fact. The ceremony and the life after are two separate things regardless of how we want to deny it. Your marriage can’t be the fairytale wedding you had. Unless of course, you’re a Stepford wife with no emotion.

You can’t wear your wedding gear, make up and dress everyday. You can’t. You can’t parade in them when cooking, doing house chores, going to the office and most of all, you can’t wear them all when making love your husband.

The only thing that stays on is the wedding ring. And the marriage cert you carry around with you everywhere.

Too much pressure is being put on wedding ceremonies, I think. It might not be fair for me to say this because my turn has yet arrived, but this is an opinion which I feel I MUST voice out.

I don’t blame people for the amount of meticulousness and attention they give to details. I don’t blame people for putting all their life savings on the best things for the ceremony. After all, all we want is the best for ourselves and insyaAllah, it will happen only once in a lifetime. So yes, why not?

But like I said before, did you at all think about the life after?

And what’s up with the competition? So what if I wear silver and you wear pink and another friend wears red? I think about a thousand people wear the same colours in a year, so what’s the big fuss? Is there even an issue of who thought of it first and who thought of it last and who didn’t think of anything and just stole ideas?

Embarking into a new life; being married, is a sign of maturity, of developing oneself to being a better person, of willingness to share your most treasured possessions, of insyaAllah, being a mother whom your child can depend on. So, why is the fuss all about the colour?

I’ve seen ceremonies which were simple, but extremely meaningful. (Hood’s was especially so). She didn’t tell me she was wearing black until the day before. She didn’t tell me who would do her make up. She didn’t tell me that the apartment she would be living in is so lovely, I wished I were married. She didn’t brag that she chose the best things. Well, look at her. Look at her wedding photos and visit her page after her wedding. She’s extremely happy with her marriage.

And the last thing we cared about was who thought of what colour first and who did what by whom and where. What was important was that she was happy. And it was beautiful.

Plan all you want and spend all the money you want. Set up a blog if you must to document your journey to your wedding day. Just don’t do it at the expense of others. And don’t purposely make others inferior of what you have. Not everyone can afford what you can and even you might not afford what you say you can.

Life can change in such a short time it’s unbelievable.

quick.

On second thought, I don’t want to write about the trip anymore. There is just too much going on in the world to pretend to live in oblivion.

Have you seen the papers lately? It’s so full of drama isn’t it? From defecting members to fighting amongst allies to suing royalty. I have to research more on the Undang-undang Tubuh Negeri Perak before I can comment more on the issue. But I guess this is to be expected out of a union formed out of “convenience”, anyway.

*****

There are also things going in on the personal lives of others of which I am directly affected by, not because they directly affect me, but simply because No.1: they are people who are close to me and No.2: they can’t help but tell me things which I simply have no solution to. It’s the month of love and no love, all at the same time.

I wish I could write more, but of course, I won’t. Because like I said, it’s not something which directly affects me, so, it’s not my place to say.

*****

If you noticed, I have been very unenthusiastic about updating much. There are too many things in my head and so little time to craft a piece worth rereading again and again and again.

I have flu, I’m coughing and I miss Theodore. Very badly. Someone bring me my Theodore!