February 24, 2016

basic, but specific.

re: last post

Some people don't mind slogging on housework but for me personally, it is one of my biggest sources of stress. Come to think of it, among the reasons why I was so stressed out after the Big Move last year is because of the never ending laundry (I'm serious, it's a valid reason, it's not even funny!). So these days, I am not afraid to tell people that I reach out -- that I ask for help -- and that I don't slog. That I just can't.

Like I said in my previous post, even my husband knows that I need support.

Most people will tell me that since we're a couple, we should give each other support, people on Facebook will forward to me articles on "Tanggungjawab Suami Isteri" and the likes and while I know and appreciate the extra knowledge I get from those articles and scholarly sayings, I also know that to each their own -- and that support comes in many different forms.

Thing about me is that while I know I need support and the support I need is basic, I also know for a fact that my kind of basic -- is specific. 

 Specific as in -

Clothes are washed, hanged and dried in a certain way --  food is prepared in a particular way -- and my kitchen is later kept clean -- yes, you guessed it -- in a very particular way. My dishes must be thoroughly dried before they are kept in the cupboard and hear this -- they MUST be returned to the (specific) cupboard(s). NOT to be hanged out to dry forever and ever and ever no matter how many times you're going to reuse them in the future. And oh, I wash all my place mats after every meal -- simply wiping them and leaving them on the table until the next meal will never do.

My idea of a clean floor is one which is mopped with water (only water) at least 3 times. I don't care much for the floor cleaner and how nice it smells, I care more about whether or not the floor is harbouring dust. 

I care about how often towels and telekungs are washed -- and by my standards, Luqman's towels which I pack for him to school must be washed daily because we don't know with whom he's had to accidentally share with while he's there (which is the reason why he's got 9 of those. Yes, 9!) and ours go into the machine weekly.

Our water bottles are washed daily -- and every single part of Luqman's water bottle is dismantled so that I can clean the cap, the body, the straw and each little part before the next batch of plain water is filled in (which is the reason why he has 3 different straw cups and bottles for when he needs water while the other bottle is being washed and dried). The same apply to his milk bottles -- they are at least rinsed before the next feed (at night) and washed after each feed during the day -- also dismantled from top to toe. 

My bed must be made. But I don't like just anyone in my room. I also don't like people touching my things and changing its order without my permission.   

I don't have OCD (okay, maybe it's selective OCD and I don't know any better) and I know some thing's have got to give, but still there are things which I can never give up on. 

Now as for specific emotional support --

I appreciate presence in a comfortable silence. 

It's so simple, but it's really not.

Sometimes, people think that all the "comforting" and "words of wisdom" are necessary at the most crucial times such as labour and the "wee hour morning goodbyes with my husband" or when I'm having a heated argument with Luqman, for example -- but I guess it doesn't always apply to me. I appreciate if people let me decide on whether or not I want to deal with my sorrows on my own or in a crowd -- and I really appreciate if people would just pray for me when I reach out (especially online).

So, how many people can give that kind of (specific) support? Even some well meaning family members can't give me that.

And because of that, unless that support is in the form of a maid, or someone who is paid/commissioned to do specific jobs for me in those specific ways, I can't tell them what to do and how to do it -- because that someone could be family -- and the last people you want to hurt (no matter how unintentionally) are your own well-meaning family. Not that I plan on hurting my maid/confinement lady if I get one in the future but you get the drift, right? That if someone is commissioned and paid to do something for you, it is alot easier to tell them your specifics. That it makes alot of difference because you have some form of control over how things get done in your own home.

I scare myself with my own requirements sometimes, but being alone has opened up my mind to my own disabilities and shortcomings -- and has made me brave enough to know and admit how difficult I can be to please.

Which is why, when my husband suggests support, I tell him that there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Because as basic and simplistic as I may be, my idea of basic -- is rather specific.

Now, I've just got to figure out how to fulfill them.

--___________--"

February 16, 2016

more complicated than I seem.


Do you prefer traveling at night or in the mornings?

I don't mind either. 

So, why don't you travel at night so that you have some time to rest before you go to work?

So that you won't cry.

But I will cry regardless - it has nothing to do with night or morning. 

No, what I meant was that I don't want him to see you cry.


xxx


But yesterday, despite my best efforts, I cried -- in front of him -- I cried. The day's events were just overly overwhelming. No one hurt me and no one made me cry -- at least not intentionally -- I just did.

I know that sometimes, he says the darnest things -- things he doesn't at all mean, but there are times when his words just cut through my heart like a knife and it baffles me as to why I'm so hurt because hey, let's face it -- he's just 4!

It may just be my raging hormones. It may also be my way of telling him how hurt I feel when I see him cry. It may just be my fear of the unknown -- of the time when there will be 2 of them to deal instead of just 1. It may also be my guilt towards the new baby with whom I'm already feeling like a total failure with even before I've started!

My husband tells me that I need support. I tell him that in reality, there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but there are times when I can be more complicated than I seem. 

February 15, 2016

little things that mean big things.

I just turned 31 on 12.02.2016 but it kind of feels like I've been celebrating for a while now already.

It began with - 

Ms. Cherry Blossom wheeshing through our gates with an unexpectedly meaningful "symbol of love", so to speak, which has made us fuss over it silly. 

Then, came his trip back to us, bearing gifts -- (1) of his arriving home safely; and (2) the thing which I have for a long while now, been needing so very badly. 

On The Day itself, came a bouquet of flowers through my door with a really funny delivery story -- which then lead to a colleague discovering that that day was my birthday. 

So, after lunch, they (my colleagues) cheekily sneaked up on me in my room bearing cakes to surprise me.

-- only to be surprised in return when a certain "someone" (re: Luqman) crept out from under my table, where he was previously napping. 

The string of all things good seem to have some spillover effect on the weekends -- where our time was well spent with friends and family. 

And the only bummer was probably my having to watch my husband drive back to where he came from while I got all teary (yes, 1 month in the arrangement and I'm still pretty much a crybaby).

This year, we didn't take the obligatory leave to celebrate as we do normally. And nope, we didn't plan on anything fancy.

Instead, we embraced life as it came and gave each other what we needed the most -- which is our presence, our patience, our love -- and each other. 

-- and of course, all the little things that mean big things that matter.