February 28, 2014

because I'm happy?

I have never participated in anything of this nature before. I have never signed up for the FMS 30 Day Challenge, have never committed to Wordless Wednesdays, heck, I don't even hashtag my photos on Instagram. In fact, I used to be so annoyed with these challenges because at the end of it all, it looked like a competition of who has better photography skills, who has better days, who depicts the Daily Challenge the best and I for one, hate posers, so for me, challenges such as those gave them an unnecessary platform to "pose" (???). 

So yeah, signing up for #100HappyDays is a huge thing for me. 

Funny how something that should come naturally to us (being happy) needs to become a challenge for us to see how easy it all really is. 

But this is so in line with the only resolution I have this year; which is to be responsible for my own happiness, that I just couldn't give it a pass. 

With my husband's blessing (yes, he told me, "As long as you're happy, Love", which already makes me happy!), I shall take on this challenge and shall try to stick to it 'til the end. 

Wish me luck, and let's be happy everyone! (Please don't get annoyed with my Instagram photos, okay!)

I don't have time for this??!? Challenge Accepted!


So happy, just by looking at these colours! Let's jom!

February 27, 2014

when 29.




This year, we both agreed that we will only spend on each other ONCE. Meaning, we will combine our budgets for our anniversary and birthday presents, to be given to each other during Luqman's birthday, which is 2nd of April, which is coincidentally our "couple anniversary", which is also our "honeymoon anniversary". This is of course, to avoid giving each other crappy presents which we don't really need. And this way, we could all get excited about getting presents on the same day!

And then, my birthday came, and I wrote this post and then I thought to myself, "You Idiot!"

Why did I agree to such thing? After all, am I not the one who LOVESSS birthdays.

But agreements are agreements and this was not one for the breaking. So, I relented to the idea of not having a celebration this year since I'm probably too old to be celebrated anyway (obviously just trying to pujuk myself).

And then, my husband texts me,

"Let's go out and celebrate today!"

Ah, Alhamdulillah for a husband who knows me all to well. After all, it's not that he was giving me a present (thus breaking the agreement), he was just taking me out for dinner. Heheh.

***

You see, since I became a mom and even more so after Luqman started school, I have been singing nursery rhymes a whole lot more; in fact it's probably the only thing I sing these days. So, when the TGI team came up to us and gave me the "TGI mic" (I'm so going to get my husband for this when his turn comes!), the first song that crossed my mind was,

"Baa baa black sheep,
Have you any wool,
Yes sir, yes sir,
3 bags full"

And I actually sang the whole song. In front of everyone. In TGI. Alamanda. Where I shall be going again. Gah. And that was done in hopes that my lil' entertainer (Luqman) would get all excited and start dancing to one of his favourite tunes.

Instead... he became all bashful by the attention and ditched me! He just ditched me!

I sang the whole song on my own owh, crap!

T________________T

AND... just to add another "highlight" to the day, Luqman pooped halfway through dinner (as he always does when we're at TGI) and I had to clean him up at the toilet and all the while he wouldn't sit still because the water was cold. The whole time I was thinking to myself, "WHYYYYY LA BOY WHY TODAYYY!", but at the same time, I couldn't help but be amused by such circumstances. After all, I am at 29, already a mom. Hahahaha.

We ended the night with some ice cream.

And huge smiles and sweet dreams.

:)



February 26, 2014

my life just got... interesting.

Most of the time, I consider myself to be nothing out of the ordinary. I have really good days, and really bad ones, and most days are okay, so I make the best out of what I have.

For a long time now, people have been telling me what a positive person I seem to be. From what they see, I am one of those who has one of the lightest takes on life, since they hardly see me angry or sad.

Thing is, like I said, I have really good days and really bad ones. And I also happen to have a brain.

See, our mind is something we are in absolute control of. Only you can decide how you want to look at things and how you want to feel about something and most importantly, how to react to something. Of course there are surrounding circumstances which may affect your outlook, but bottom line is that you've been given that brain to filter. So, why don't you filter?

When people ask me why I can be SO chillax about certain things, my answer is simple.

"I don't have the energy to be angry."

No matter how angry I get at something, I always assess that anger before actually getting angry; is this worth the "rent space" in my head? I think about this very thoroughly because I have been absolutely angry before; both over very important and overly trivial matters. And for those overly trivial matters, I realise how silly I was to materialise my thoughts into anger. At the end of the day, it drained me of all my energy and it wasn't even worth it to begin with. Plus, it's true when they say "anger breeds anger". It's also true what they say about "a moment of anger, a lifetime of regret". These are the 2 things I hold on to whenever I feel like flipping the table when someone annoys me. You can't take back what you say/write because the damage would have already been done by then. So, filter. Filter your thoughts and your feelings.

But of course, I am not perfect. On some days, I just lose it. When I'm too tired, I just lose it. When things don't go as I hoped it would, I lose it. Those are my really bad days. And on my really bad days, I feel like crap when I snap and raise my voice for things which I SHOULD be in control over, but fail to miserably. 

However, bottom line is that I TRY. 

Despite being relatively "positive-vibed", I guess I can't please everyone. 

This most definitely doesn't deserve rent space anywhere, but I found it too amusing not to be made public.


Sabar je lah.

And no, I don't know who the sender is, but who cares! Hahah. HAPPY Wednesday to all!


February 25, 2014

Mama, senyum!



There are moments in my motherhood journey that I truly treasure because of the simplicity of the moment. 

"Mama"

"(Se)nyum" 

My baby says, as he rested his back against the wall as in the picture above, requesting me to take a photo. 

I quickly took out my phone to capture the moment. 

I then told him, "Let's wait for Daddy!" and his eyes lit at the mention of his father. I led him out of the big main gates of the apartment (something I've never done with him before) and waited patiently as he made his way to the pedestrian pathway by the road. 

Then, I told him to run. And showed him what I meant. As soon as he realised I wasn't going to restrain him and that he had the freedom to run around to his heart's content, I could see how alive he became at the prospect. 

We ran and ran and took breaks in between for some "education". "Flower", "Leaf", "Semut" and "Plane" were among the things we learned that day. 

From afar, I already saw my husband's car so I asked him, "Can you see Daddy?". And again, his eyes lit and his spirits soared as he ran after his Daddy's car. Just for fun, I told my husband to take him for a ride around the apartment compound and Luqman looked so happy to be strapped to the seat by the seatbelt like he was such an important "man".

I decided to give them a moment together and finished the walk home on my own.

***

When we initially got home from work before all of the above took place, I was actually tempted to persuade Luqman to give his playground session a miss for that day. 

I had a pile of laundry to do and had planned on making dinner plus I thought it would be nice to settle down early that night. 

But, I didn't. 

I decided that it was okay for me to oblige his simple wish for some playtime with me during that small window between after work and Maghrib, notwithstanding all the above that I had planned to do. That day, I decided that all else can wait. 

And honest to God, if anyone asks me if I would have done things differently on that day, I would say that I would do the same thing again and again and again if I could. 

I may not have understood a word he said as he was (I assume) telling me about his day while we were trekking the apartment compound together on that day, but he was really glad I was listening and responding, despite not understanding. I could sense how happy he was.

If I could do it again, I would because I love that look on his face as he marveled at everything around us; the rocks, the sticks, the insects, the sky and the cars that passed us by. 

If I could do it again, I would because I think that was one of the most enjoyable days we've had, in such a short period of time, doing absolutely nothing of real significance or importance or "milestone unlocking" or "Insta-worthy". 

There was just me, him, his Daddy and the elements that a beautiful day could offer.

And the best part is that not only did the day go on as planned (I managed the laundry later, cooked dinner and yes, we settled down very early since Luqman was tired from his outdoor activities and fell asleep as soon as he was done with dinner), it turned out better. 

 It has been a week since we last managed to do anything similar and he's had to give his playtime a miss everyday now, as I have been held back late at work everyday since. Some nights, when I come home, he's already asleep and I whisper my apologies to him for not being able to be there. 

And because of that, I am even more glad that that day went as it did, as I now have memories (and lovely photos) of what a great day we had and a reminder of how the best things in life are free. 


February 13, 2014

not for me?

Since I found out how ridiculously easy online shopping can be, I began online shopping like nobody's business. It isn't always cheaper and it doesn't always meet my expectations because I can't try the garments beforehand etc., but it is to a certain level, therapeutic. 

Most of the time, I buy things I know I will wear since I'm not a very experimental shopper, much less knowledgeable about the fashion industry and the latest trends, plus, I only buy when it's cheap meaning that it's probably out of fashion or not in season anymore, so my purchases are normally very simple and undated. Hehe.

And that can only mean that I could wear those clothes whenever I want, going to wherever I want. 

Thing is... we haven't been anywhere worth dressing up lately.

T_T


So, one weekend, right after we were free from quarantine, we went to my parents' place and my sister and I sat in her room with piles of scarves; long, short, round, square, moon and back (eh!), and we began trying different styles to go to... well... nowhere in particular! Haha. Obviously we were just bored of our current styles and since we're both the t-shirt and jeans kind of people (well, my sister is a little dressier than I am though!), it felt nice to dress up. Though we didn't really end up with any style different than the usual! Ah, creatures of habit!


After Asar, I put on my lipgloss and all (over sangat, I know!!!), even managed to add on some height through my newly purchased wedges and we decided to do OOTDs around the house. I've personally never done an OOTD before and like I said, I'm not famous enough to gain an audience from wearing t-shirt, jeans and a 10 dollar shawl plus, like I said, I definitely am not the genius when it comes to fashion, so it was a no pressure OOTD, all done in good fun.

And as funny as it was to try my best to pose (my face especially!!!) for an OOTD, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. We did end up taking more goofy pictures than OOTDs, since my brother then also decided it was fun to join, but after the whole experience, I have to say hats off to those who take OOTDs like everyday and have enough clothes and energy and styles to share with the whole wide world for 365 days, rain or shine.



I most definitely loved my photos being taken, but the thought of having to assemble what to wear everyday is just too much for me to handle. Plus, of course, apart from my brother photobombing our shoots, I also had this little guy following my lead like EVERYWHERE. Sabar je lah!

I guess I'll stick to vetting and drafting agreements for now. Mih mih mih. 


By the way, if anyone else is as simple as I am and wants this no-brainer look, you can get the comfy flowy (can hide your belly) slightly peplum lycra top from Zalora (was only RM35 I think). My pants are from Dorothy Perkins (on sale it's RM69. also available in blue). Wedges from Vincci (RM69. also available in bright orange and denim). Glitter shawl from pasar malam (it was dirt cheap, please let me know if you're interested!) and wallah, I'm ready to go! Hihi.

February 12, 2014

big deal.

Old, but I'm not that old. 
Young, but I'm not that bold. 
And I don't think the world is sold. 
I'm just doing what we're told. 
- One Republic

29 this year. 

And honestly, I still get excited over birthdays, despite the growing numbers, the greying hair, wrinkles and all else that comes with it. 

Am I weird for getting all worked up over my own birthday?

I used to NOT think so, until I came across this article about friends you should ditch (can't remember link, sorry!) and at the top of the list are those who don't seem to remember your birthday although they are in constant contact with you; just means that they don't care enough. I agreed wholeheartedly... UNTIL... I saw somebody commenting on how silly it was to assess a friendship based on whether or not they remembered your birthday. The exact words that that person used was... "BIG DEAL, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, SO WHAT?"

And though I've never really cared much about what other people think about certain things, it got me thinking. It really did. 

Am I a young adolescent stuck in the body of an adult or something? What's in a birthday anyway? After all, each additional year brings you closer to death and the question of whether or not I am ready for death is one which has perpetually gone unanswered. Besides, now that I'm a year shy from entering my big three-O, I wonder if I can be proud of my achievements thus far. 

Which is why I feel like the phrase "I'm just doing what we're told" is fitting in this situation, as I've done most things by the book and yet, I still have doubts on whether or not I've achieved everything I ever wanted. 

And to be honest, I'm not really sure. 

This post sounds pretty bland for someone who loves birthdays and surprise parties and used to make wishlists on her blog for all to see, right? I guess the many years under my belt have changed me (or has it?) or maybe, I've become matured enough to realise that I DO have so much to be thankful for and that I wouldn't trade my life for anything else, not in a million years.

Either way, I really wouldn't trade my life for anything, because could anything be any more precious?

So, happy birthday to me! May this year bring me good health, happiness, strength, blessings and all else good. Amin to that!

:)

p.s.: thank you so much for all the wishes from so early in the morning. my day is already made :)

February 07, 2014

I'll be there for you.

I often wonder why, as people grow older, they tend to grow apart.

(Now, that was a rhetorical question.)

Because married or not, with child or without, jobless or not, we have to come to terms with what we know as the perils of adulthood, one of which is growing apart while growing up.

And because most of us understand this, we tolerate. We tolerate silences, absences, time alone, time with our own families, personal ordeals and family problems not being aired in the open and when we do meet up, we make the best out of what we have. Forgive and let live.

But then again, how much can we forgive and let live, actually?

I have come to that point in my life where I have become indifferent about losing certain people in my life.

I realised this after I lost all of my contacts on my phone one day and actually laughed about it. It just didn't seem to matter as much as it did before. With important contacts committed to memory, I took that as a sign that I should just let go of the people who have not been there by choice; you know those who forget to wish you birthdays, who didn't bother to ask about your life, your son, your family and just generally those who think that it was okay to not be in touch because we're probably going to forgive and let live anyway.

Well, I decided that if I wasn't important enough for you, then you'll stop being important to me. 

It's what we call reciprocity.

With that, I also had some kind of revelation about the kind of person I really am. 

Wasn't I the one who people said would disappear without a trace after school? Wasn't I the one who needed so much rescuing from being a sad lonely loner who didn't mind her own company? Wasn't I the cold-hearted one who couldn't forget not matter how much she claims she forgives? I was actually just as bad as those who didn't keep in touch with me, because my egotism kept me from starting the ball from rolling.

Having come to that realisation, I decided to be in touch with the people who matter; those whose numbers I have committed to memory and those who always had me in their thoughts. It didn't matter to me anymore if I was being nosy or that that very important person (to me) didn't start the conversation first. I didn't mind being the one who began.

And it felt so good.

It felt so good to be in contact and to know that somewhere out there, my number hasn't been deleted (yet) from that person's Contact List. It also felt good to comment on people's status updates or problems on Facebook (which I was previously really reluctant to do, I don't know why, so don't ask!), because isn't that the whole point of a virtual social networking tool - for you to come together and network! So come together I did.

And I know I've said it before but I'll say it again, yes, it feels really good. 

So even if one of the perils of adulthood is growing apart while growing up, there are ways for us to always let the other person on the other side of the line or world know how much we care and that we'll always be (physically/virtually) "there". 

***
p.s.: Din, if you ever read this, you know credits go to you for the "perils of adulthood" phrase. As you can obviously see, I love it! Hahaha

February 06, 2014

tiga perkara.

In between the squealing, joking and poking fun at each other, we found some time for serious talk during the Express Party we had here

One of us told us a story about the 3 things in life, though she couldn't remember where the story is sourced or who told it to begin with. 

But it made alot of sense to me and I have held on to it eversince, intending to share it whenever I can, so here goes. 

In life, we actually need only 3 things; time, money and energy.

But, Allah has made it such that in life, we can only have 2/3 things at any one time. 

When we are young, we have all the time and energy in the world, but no money to spend.

When we start working, we have all the energy and money to spend, but no time to spare.

When we are old, we have all the time (again) and this time money to spend, but we no longer have the energy to do so. 

 It got me thinking about people who have it all. 

It also got me thinking about people who don't have it all. 

And I think whether you have it all or you don't, you're probably being blessed or tested or both. 

But the answer to that? Only God knows. 

February 05, 2014

when the worst turned out to be better.

This is probably the first time after 10 days that I have some time to myself. This is the first time in 10 days that I'm not exhausted to my bones so much so that by the end of the day, whatever energy I have left can only be used to put myself to sleep. This is also the first time in 10 days that I've switched my laptop on and still, many think that since I had 10 days off from work, I would have all the time in the world to do anything I like. 

But you see, sickness is not a choice. And sickness knows no boundaries. It inflicts without caring about one's age, or medical history or background. 

I've got to say that I was shocked this time round, though hats off to us both (my husband and I) for handling the situation so swiftly. 

We thought we've done everything we could to avoid it; pre-washed all his clothes, aired his shoes after use, cleaned the house, change bedsheets and towels more frequently (like everyday for Luqman) and just generally maintained a cleaner lifestyle than before, but alas...

Kun fa ya kun. 

Luqman was again diagnosed with HFMD (hand foot mouth disease) for the second time. Many have asked us what the symptoms are and for us, the biggest giveaway was his excessive drooling. And this was caused by the ulcers in his mouth. 

This time round was extra challenging for us because it inflicted his mouth area and with that, he couldn't drink, couldn't eat, drooled a whole lot and guess what... it was so painful, he even refused to breastfeed. And because of that, he was always cranky and hungry and kept us up all night long, which in turn made us tired and sleepy and with that my health took for the worse too.

Only god knows how exhausting it has been, but in retrospect, I've got to say that just like the last time, I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home. Even if it was under such unfortunate circumstances, getting to spend uninterrupted time with my 2 boys is really something I appreciate, regardless.

xxx

AND guess what? I wrote that some time last weekend and only now do I have some time alone since I'm back at work.

Obviously I can't remember what it was that I wanted to write about earlier, but I guess it doesn't matter what I thought then.

What I do think now is this; 

Just prior to Luqman getting sick, I came back home from work at midnight or past midnight almost daily. Of course I made time for my family during the weekends and extended holidays but work was really taking a toll on our relationship as a family, as a whole.

So, when Luqman fell sick, much as I hated to see him in such sickly state, I thanked Allah for giving me a way to make up for all that lost time. I know it's kind of twisted to think of it that way, but that was the only hikmah I could see behind him suddenly falling sick despite everything we've done.

Besides, I have been thinking about taking a long leave next week anyway, to spend some time ALONE. I guess Allah has BETTER plans for me, by telling me that well, honey, you'd be bored to death in that house so I'll let you spend some time with your boys instead.

And just like the last time, those 10 days in January just gave me my much needed boost as a mother and wife, as I've never felt so much love as I felt in the past week.

Now that February is here, all I can say is "Bring It On!"

February, after all (for obvious reasons), has always been one of my favourite months of the year.

;)