November 27, 2013

the road with no U-turn.


Every day, when I look at my legs, I see the damage shaving has done to them and wonder why the younger me was so damn dumb. Now, my legs aren't what they used to be and worst part of it all is that there's really nothing I can do to repair it. Unless of course, I opt for plastic surgery. 

But then again, as much as I hate what it has become, I am still thankful that I still have legs, no matter how unladylike they now look like. 

At the end of the day, it's little lessons in life like these that I realise how there are really no U-turns in life. 

I can't turn back time and I can't undo my actions. 

I can only move on. 

That's the reality. And the reality is life.

On a related note, at the moment, we are faced with big decisions. 

We have run through the motions over and over and over in our head, we've discussed and argued and hey, guess what, we're ready. Whatever the decision may be. 

We know that our considerations are real and again, reality is life. And in life, we sometimes have to make these kind of decisions although we know that this time, like many other times, there will be no U-turns. 

But it's okay. We'll be okay.

Even though there is no point of return, it doesn't mean that there's no way forward. 

So, carry on.

With blood and tears and hope and all. 

Just carry on.

November 21, 2013

good eats.

My photos on Instagram are mostly of food, my baby and my family, which are 3 of the things I love most, though I do think that photos of food ALWAYS appear because I really do love to eat. But come to think of it, my love for food isn't really from the love of eating them, but more from the love of cooking.

My Mama tells me that as a person, I have always been very domesticated. From an early age, I have experimented with ingredients of all sorts and notwithstanding my kitchen misadventures, my quest for domestication has continued until now. 

Because I'm such a domestic creature, when my husband suggests that we have any meal outside (of course in good faith especially after a long hard day at work), I cringe. Okay, I lie. My first reaction would always be... "ALHAMDULILLAH, I HAVE AN AWESOME HUSBAND WHO UNDERSTANDS", plus I do enjoy occasional good eats. But after a whole week of eating out, I eventually find excuses to eat in. 

Tapi saya dah defrost chicken.
Tapi saya boleh masak sekejap je. Lepas Maghrib dah siap (walaupun selalunya tidak)! 
Tapi, tapi, tapi.
Okay, fine, makan luar tapi awak pilih.
Tapi saya nak masak.
Tapi saya dah boring.
Tapi, tapi, tapi. 

In a nutshell, eating in makes me happy although it requires a tad bit more effort on my part and some patience on my husband's. 

But really, how can you not be happy when your meal turns out like this -


Or this -


Or this -


Or this -


Or this -


 Or this - 


Seriously??? How can you not be happy????

Some of my friends who don't cook often tell me that they don't get it. But for me personally, cooking, on most occasions, is the highlight of my day.

Patut lah perut bertingkek-tingkek.

And I still have the cheek to wonder why. Pfttt.

November 20, 2013

Abam.

If we ever have lunch dates these days, it normally lasts for about 45 minutes tops. 

But it's normally in that 45 minutes that we have like the best time as a couple after so many weeks of hard work and seriousness. 

This time was no different.
On our most recent lunch date, we were remarking over how wonderful it was to have found a much cheaper alternative to our favourite drink, the caramel machiatto from Starbucks. 

I told my husband, 

"You know what, this taste exactly like caramel machiatto when chilled, kan?"

Husband,

"Yeap. Pandai tak abang?"

image Googled.

Umakaih, tersembur Pokka!

Both of us,
"BAHAHAHA HAHAHAH  AHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA !!!"

But I did ask him,

"Awak nak saya panggil awak Abang, ke "Bang"???"

You know what he said, 

"EWWWWWWWW, nooo"

No offence to anyone who calls their husbands Abang though. I just can't... can't call my husband Abang. 

 Been friends for waayyy too long, I guess. 

Plus, he's not up for it, either, so I guess we're good, eh "Bang"?

(oh yes, he reads my blog)

November 19, 2013

we're parents, above all.


That’s what my husband and I agreed to be for life when we decided we were finally ready to have a baby.

And with that commitment, comes some days like yesterday night, where we had to be content with getting even a little bit of sleep on the kitchen floor.

Yes, you heard me right, the freaking kitchen floor, complete with comfy pillows and all.

You see, Luqman had an amazing weekend. We drove him around to so many places, went to so many shops, fed him all his favourite things, he got enough sleep and most importantly, he was around his extended family, and being the first grandchild on both sides, the attention he received was 10000-fold than normal.

He also got a new toy which I bagged at the petrol station.


Yes, he gets toys from everywhere, this boy.

I bought the toy as a tool of distraction, especially for times when I’m busy in the kitchen. What I least expected was that it would distract him from his sleep and along with that, mine and my husband’s.


You want to take a wild guess what was keeping him up all night?

Wait for it.
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THESE.


THESE FREAKING NUMBER FRIDGE MAGNETS!!!

Ah, the perks of parenthood.

Ironic thing is that both husband and I woke up early that morning. No such thing as Monday blues.

Now, where do I get those alphabet ones? 


Nampak sangat best tidur kat dapur.

Hahahaha! 

November 18, 2013

meandering the isles.

Meandering has really become one of life's little luxuries these days.

Not that I'm complaining though it seems like so and I admit that the lack of it has actually been a saviour to my pocket, but I can't help but miss it sometimes.

Having missed it so much, I decided that I would go to Cold Storage during lunch hour last Friday ALONE. I just wanted to meander. Surely that's not too much to ask for right?

And then, my colleagues asked me whether or not I would like to join them for lunch at this new place in Jaya Grocer (which I honestly thought odd in the beginning as I've never seen a Jaya Grocer with a food court in it), and though I knew I wouldn't be alone, it was an offer I couldn't quite resist. Plus, if it's close enough to Jaya Grocer, that would mean that I'd still be able to meander as planned. 

Turns out to be one of the best lunch dates I've had with friends in a while. 

The food was SO GOOD, I became so thick-skinned that I admitted I might have a mental problem since I was busy taking photos of my food. 


My lunch was roasted chicken with 2 sides which only cost RM15++. I took the roasted garden vegetables and sauteed mushroom salad as my sides and they definitely tasted as good as they looked. All in all, I was seriously very pleasantly surprised and I have my colleague to thank for introducing us to this really nice eatery. I didn't take any photos other than my food though, but the little deli right in the middle of Jaya Grocer was clean and quaint and smelled really nice.

As for the meandering part... well, guess who came back smiling like a goon because she managed to get her hands on these (among other things)?

My husband definitely got a great dinner that night (chewwah. perasan nak mampus).

But hey, I ain't joking! ;)

Salmon| Spinach| Capers| Cream Sauce| Spaghetti

November 16, 2013

kan saya pakai tudung?

You see, a few months back, some time circa Raya Aidilfitri, I was contemplating whether or not I should get myself a haircut. Anybody who's seen my hair pre-headscarf would already know that my hair has a life of its own, but post-partum, oh boy, it really started to prove how much life it actually had. 

You see, after I donned the headscarf, I thought I would have less qualms about cutting my hair or at least not give as much thought as was the case pre-headscarf, but NOOO, I still couldn't bring myself to just chop it off. Gah.

However, with post-partum baby fat, self-esteem issues and lack of sleep, I didn't need chronic hair loss and dandruff to add on to the list of things that were making me feel any less attractive.

After much discussion with my husband, he encouraged me to take that leap of faith (like what??? it's just hair, it'll grow!) and all we had to do was to decide on a style that suited me. Not that it mattered so much to the public, but it mattered to me how my husband looked at me.

He then suggested the unthinkable (to me at least), which is to cut it really short, like a certain someone on my Instagram timeline, which he thought would suit me really well AND save me from all the hassle of having to ACTUALLY take care of my hair.

I was repelled by the idea, obviously

But he continued to coax me,

"Cuba awak potong rambut macam XXX. Cantik!" 
(Why don't you cut your hair like XXX. It's pretty!)

To which a defiant me replied,

"Tapi saya kan kerja Kerajaan. Saya tak boleh pergi kerja rupa macam lelaki okay!"
(But I work with the Government. I can't go to work looking like a boy okay!)

To which he of course replied with that look like that was the silliest thing he's ever heard in his whole life because.... admittedly it was really silly! Gah!

T___T

Epic FAIL.

Kan saya pakai tudung sekarang. Sabar je lah.

Anyways. I finally cut my hair on one fine Saturday morning. And I'm loving it.


November 14, 2013

Missus Nice Guy.

That is who I no longer am. 

I remember once upon a time ago, when I just started working, I was so eager to please that I did everything people told me to. These days, though I'm still eager to please, I've learned to choose my battles. Some things just ain't worth it. 

You know, back in those days, people would tell me I'm wrong and I would admit that I'm wrong even though there was a huge part of me that rebelled, wanting so badly to say otherwise. I let people tell me that I'm wrong to the point where I began to accept that Number 1 - I'm wrong; and Number 2 - even if the person telling me off was wrong, Rule Number 1 still applied. 

While it worked for the longest time and got me out of situations which could have probably erupted into full-blown arguments of some sort, little did I know that the people evaluating me branded that trait as "timid", when in fact, all I was being was courteous

I felt so misunderstood, and to be honest, at a point, I was almost sorry for myself.

Then, I stopped.

I came to realise that I was such a pushover.

People would ask me all kinds of favours, from the silliest ones to the bigger ones and I always had such a hard time saying no. 

After I realised how wrong I portrayed myself, I became sterner about my stand. 

If it was your meeting and you don't have anything pressing on your plate, deal with it.

If you have guests to entertain but you aren't fond of entertaining, don't get me involved just because I'd be pleasant with them.

If I had submitted my part of the work, I stopped covering up for other slacking team members because I was just so tired of picking up half-baked products from other people's ovens, so to speak. 

I know it seems mean, but of course, in writing, I can't and probably won't ever tell you what my key considerations are when I say no. 

Thing is, as mean as it may seem, I kind of like the new Hanisa.

And with some empowerment (which I have the privilege of experiencing at the moment), I feel even better since I can now call some shots, PROVIDED ALWAYS that I have taken sufficient steps to deliver the best. 

I'm writing this not because I want you to know how mean and hard and cold I've become, no. 

I'm writing this so that all the pushovers out there know that it isn't too late to push back. 

Took me nearly 3 decades to learn, but hey, better late than never.

I was Missus Nice Guy and this is my story.

November 11, 2013

Partners before Parents.

I do sometimes think that I don't say it often enough, at least not verbally, but I really do love my husband.

Apart from my ridiculous egotism, there's really no excuse or reason as to why I don't say "I love you" as often as I feel it. In fact, this treatment isn't exclusive towards him alone, it also applies to my son and my family members and everyone I really actually care for. I don't say it, I find more comfort in showing it. Is this peculiar to only me, I wonder? Whatever it is, I really am trying my best to improve in this department and I think my husband can attest to it.


The amazing thing is, my husband keeps on doing amazing things to and for me, regardless. 

And though I feel extremely grateful for being blessed with such a good life, there are times when I don't feel the need to say it, especially not to the whole wide world. Well, since he's so amazing, I'm not surprised if anyone wants to steal him, so yeah, a girl's got to do something to watch her back, ehehe, kidding (not really kidding).

But today, I feel like I should do a special mention. Although it was nothing out of the ordinary, it was done out of sheer logic and compassion towards my situation and not many husbands would have done it for their wives. 

***

You see, Luqman is at the REALLY clingy stage. You know I really mean it when I've caps locked the really. It has escalated to a point where he has to at least FEEL my presence even with his eyes closed. I don't know the cause and I'm trying to find out but for the most part, I do think that this is merely a phase. But it's a REALLY trying phase. It's adorable at times and frankly kind of heartwarming, but when I'm in a hurry or I've got something cooking in the oven or when I'm getting ready for work, it's not funny at all. I mean like, seriously, nobody likes a screaming baby, even less so when you know you're like minutes away from sending him to school, meaning that your last memories with him that morning involve tears trickling down his cheeks and him clinging to you for dear life like a baby koala. 

***

So, this morning, although my husband was rushing for a site visit, he offered to alleviate my... situation. He just offered to send my baby to school so that I could have some peace of mind, so that I could get ready uninterrupted and not have to worry about a screaming baby all by myself. And although my so called "freedom" was for just about an hour or so, it really does change my state of being.


And for that, I love him so very much. 

He makes me remember that we're partners before parents.

November 04, 2013

the best thing?

I have a younger sister and she is the only sister that I have. 

Naturally, she thinks I'm the best sister in the whole wide world (not that she has a choice BAHAHAHAHAHAH), despite the arguments we've had as children and the despite the numerous occasions I have thrown her out of my (our?) room before my Dad decided to build another room for me, so that none of us would have to share anymore.

Anyways, what's done is done and we've gone wayy past that. 

Now that we're older, I naturally think that she's the best sister in the whole wide world too. Well, it's not  like I have a choice. Ehem. Hehehe. 

The best thing about having a sister is that you can share everything. Like seriously. We share the same size and when it comes to clothes, we share almost the same taste. So, when we're about to embark into a purchase that's way beyond the average price, we would Whatsapp the other to ask about what they think and if we manage to get a green light from the other, our purchase is justified (which makes my Mom go bonkers! Boohooo!)

Anyways, the other good thing about having a sister is the fact that she understands. 

When I was about 8 months pregnant and bestfriends with the toilet, we decided to switch rooms. As I have previously mentioned, my room was in the attic, which obviously required me to walk up an extra flight of steep stairs, which isn't entirely bad, but considering the elevation of stairs (45 degrees), my Dad got worried and so we switched. 

And of course, with moving comes alot of confusion about who owns what. 

Even though the best thing about having a sister is that you can share everything, this weekend at my parents' place, I wasn't too sure...
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"Weih, ni spentot siapa?"

 *Confused*

November 03, 2013

I do it for Abu.

Every year without fail, the UiTM Moot Club would call me up to offer me to be one of the judges for the Interpart Moot Competition. While I was previously reluctant, citing lack of experience as an excuse, in 2011, I made a "comeback" of some sort. Of course, back then, I also had the rest of the gang with me, so it wasn't so bad. Last year though, I had to decline because I couldn't get anyone to baby sit Luqman for me so this year, I thought I'd go back to where I felt I most belonged. 

To be very honest, I didn't really research on the subject matter because I had my own work to do at work. But, at first glance, just by reading the statement of facts, I knew that one of grounds would be on a constitutional matter. Ahh, was glad I agreed to participate! My Saturday would be so interesting, I thought. 

So, yesterday morning, I dragged my sleepy baby and sleepy husband to Shah Alam for the first rounds of the Interpart.

a notebook and a token. i love them both, thank you!
Being on that side of the bench felt SO good. Of course it felt good, I was the one with the questions! Hahahaha. I admit that I may have been a tad bit mean, but I know what it's going to be like at the finals and the judges then will most definitely have very little mercy on them. 

Having said that, after being in the work force for about 5 years now, I have to admit that UiTM graduates were not exposed to proper research and opinion writing (at least during my time, well what do you expect, it was Nazim who "thought" us, if he did teach us anything at all). After having met graduates from other law schools, I always find myself in awe with their research skills. Impeccable, I tell you! 

Knowing how important proper research is, that was one of the criteria I looked for when judging. Hmmm... and to be honest, it was quite disappointing. No wonder people tell me the quality of graduates have gone down the drain. There were basic questions that went unanswered and let's not get started on their understanding of the Supreme Law of the Federation. Clearly, I expected better. Luckily I didn't know which part they are in before I judged. Kalau tak, mungkin dapat borderline pass aje budak-budak tu. As it is, I think I was pretty strict with my scoring this time round.

But all in all, it was so good to be back! I really enjoyed myself and god willing, I'll continue to participate.

And Abu? Every year, I do it for Abu. Only this year, there was no Abu there. And I is sad.Very sad indeed.