August 31, 2012

1433H



Pre-marriage, we already made up our minds about Raya. First year Raya at my parents’. Second year in Melaka. But whatever the case may be, we’ll still go back to both hometowns during the Raya break. That way, we minimise arguments and can avoid being sour with each other during the festivities. And everybody is happy.

So this year was Melaka’s turn.

And embrace it, I did.

People generally underestimate my ability to survive in a kampong because my hometown is in KL. But then again, people don’t know that I am used to staying in a kampong. Before all my grandparents passed away (Al-fatihah), I’ve had my fair share of sleeping in a kelambu, lighting mosquito coils, bathing at a perigi, climbing rambutan trees. Heck, I’ve even been chased by hens before, so yeah.

I am a kampong girl at heart, I am.


This year was different for many reasons. Of course, with a lil’ baby in tow, it was a lot more exciting. I finally understand what it feels like collecting duit raya for my own child from relatives and friends alike and oh, the joy! Not for any reason, but only because I don’t receive any of my own anymore. After years and years of being in a “duit-raya-less” state, I can finally count duit raya again! And of course, Luqman being the adorable baby that he is (if I may say so myself!), received tonnes of green sampul. Murah rezeki anak Mama, Alhamdulillah.

But oh, traveling with a baby means you can never travel light ever again! And there are so many things to take into consideration when travelling with an infant. I never knew! Haha.

But all in all, it was a joyous celebration, though very low-key at both sides of the family. We like it that way. I guess we always have.

What’s important is that we were surrounded by family, good food and loads of fun.

And as for my lil’ munchkin, he loved Raya just like how he loved it last year (I was actually already 8 weeks pregnant then and that was the only day I didn’t experience any morning sickeness! Haha) Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my readers out there! I’m so sorry for all my wrongdoings, whether intentional or not and I hope you had a joyous Raya too.

Much love from us 3 ;)

husband's baju melayu from Butik Asas, Shah Alam, my nursing top from Suri, bought at Lunatots, Putrajaya, tudung from my Mama's closet. No baju melayu for Luqman this year, so he's wearing Trudy & Teddy with t-shirt from Esprit ;)



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August 10, 2012

Puan Mama.

 


These days, I am first and foremost… a mother. And that includes being a mom at work. Everyday, I can’t wait for the clock to strike 5 and pictures of my son are always present. He’s a huge gummy smile on my deskstop, my blog and everywhere else easily visible to me.

I never thought motherhood would have this effect on me, but yes, I sometimes think about quitting my job so that I can take care of my son full-time. Regardless of how much I know how being jobless will make me go mindless crazy.

And that coming from a self-proclaimed workaholic, is huge.

But being a mother first and foremost, has its own effects. While I make sure I am more focused at work so that I can get things done faster within the time allocated, it also takes away whatever semblance of a social life I once had. And being a pumping mom who struggles to make more milk, I’ve had to decline outings multiple times so that at least half of what my son drinks during the day comes from me.

Sad as it is, I am still, gladly, first and foremost, a mother.

I naturally would not think twice about leaving work if Luqman needs me (which so far he’s been such a gem to not throw unnecessary tantrums while I’m at work). I take a few hours off once a month to take him for his check-ups and immunisations. These days, I hardly ever (more like never!) volunteer to stay back late at the office unlike before. I would talk about Luqman to anyone who would listen to anything Luqman-related. And obviously, when the clock strikes 5… I would unhesitatingly excuse myself from whatever discussion I am in because I need to get back to my boy.

Which is why when my paranoia gets the best of me… I tend to feel like a liability. Because I hate not being able to give more than my all to every aspect of my life, work included. The post-partum me is a 360 degree shift from the pre-natal me. But can I be the pre-natal me again? Never. I can’t imagine what I’d be without being a mother.

Though I sometimes wish that I could contribute more than more at work, I also know for a fact that I didn’t give birth to my son only to come home to put him to bed. And most certainly, when I start feeling like he is a liability to my job, just because he demands to be cuddled and wants all of my time, I know that I’ve got to get my priorities straight.

He is, after all, my amanah, and I have to make sure I bring him up well; that I play games with him, sing to him, nurture him, teach him all the good things and be there for him through thick and thin. Just like how my mom was there for us all the time.

I know that these next couple of years will be testing to me because it’s an open secret how much I love to work. And because this job sometimes requires more hours than I can commit to, I guess some sacrifices have to be made on my part.

I am, after all, first and foremost, a mother.

You can now put that in my CV.


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August 02, 2012

hello, Bundle!





Today my little baby is 4 months old! He’s no longer a newborn, but an infant! An infant already? Oh, time literally just flew by us!

I hate to admit that I sometimes wished he would grow quicker because I can’t wait to put him in a Bumbo seat and for me to start experimenting on solids, but I know that sooner than later, I am going to regret wishing it because I sure am going to miss him being all little and halus like this. I already miss his fresh-from-the-womb smell and wish I had a way to preserve it somehow.  

His personalities are beginning to peak bit by bit by bit. And the boy sure does know how to scream, alright!

But most times, he’s a complete angel, if I must say so myself. Especially now that it’s Ramadan, he’s being a total gem by sleeping early together with us and letting us eat our sahur in peace.  Well as for iftar, can’t blame him for wanting attention as we did leave him for almost 10 hours while at work so he’s bound to want all the spotlight to himself!

I hope he knows how much my heart swells with love for him and how I wish I could give him more than just my love.

Til then! Let’s hope he learns how to lift his head off the floor soon during his “rollover session” because he gets agitated (even in his sleep) when his attempts are unsuccessful!

How can something so tiny be such a huge bundle of  joy? *sigh*

♥ ♥ ♥


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August 01, 2012

12 days after.




 
“Count your blessings to find what you look for.”

I am peeved.

Mama said the reason I always feel this way is because I am naturally competitive. So, in the face of over competitiveness and over zealousness and over enthusiasm by others, I tend to get agitated. When in actual fact, I’m actually looking at myself. Difference is I might have a slightly more pleasant personality, which makes me a lot easier to deal with I guess?

Funny how much of ourselves we really hate, right?

I wonder how people view me. They must really hate me sometimes, don’t they?

***
Today marks the 12th day since the 21 July 2012. Though met with awkward stares from colleagues who thought I was a new officer for the first 2 days, the transition from ye old Hanisa to the new me has been smooth sailing, Alhamdulillah. And the power of aurat is that even my husband is excited seeing me choosing and wearing different types and styles of hijab every day. Must be exciting after knowing a hijab-less me for 7 years?

Besides, I noticed that rezeki melimpah-ruah since my transition. So many good things happened to me. So many people have been oh so kind to me. And so many blessings in disguise have passed my way.   

Mama was right (once again and always is). I have everything to be thankful for. I have been blessed with so many wonderful things and yet, I hesitated to do this one thing Allah has commanded me to. “What’s stopping you, girl?” she asked me one day. And I couldn’t answer. Because she is right. There really wasn’t anything stopping me anymore. There really shouldn’t be anything stopping me.

So here I am.

***
Every now and then, when I get as pissed as I am right now, I remind myself of this transition; of this new found peace which has made me calmer in a lot of ways. It makes me think of the “tag” I have voluntarily stuck to myself, which makes me stop in my tracks each time I feel like saying a bad thing or having a bad thought. I thought I had it covered, but clearly, even with the devils tucked safely away from me, my nafsu amarah sometimes, just sometimes gets the best of me.

Time really flies and we’re almost half way through our Ramadan already.

I really don’t want to spend it angry, so I’ll leave it all at that.

Here’s to many more happy days, insyaAllah.

Much love, as always!



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