March 26, 2012

Happy, feet?

very happy feet indeed

Hello!

Still here, still? Haha. I bet you were hoping I’d post a photo of my boy’s tiny feet instead of my own huge ones. You must be tired of waiting. Well, trust me, berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. Or in my case, it’s my pinggang, right? Or is it my feet? Oh, but of course I know you get what I mean.

My hospital bag has been stashed in the car boot since I was pregnant at 37 weeks. And that was mainly because my friend Nina gave birth at 37 weeks and it freaked me out. It just hit me then that “oh wow it really is possible for the first baby to come out that early” and I wanted to be prepared. Just in case.

But stashing things inside the car proves to be detrimental to my patience.

It’s gotten to a point where I just don’t know what to feel anymore.

So, on Saturday morning, I gave my husband a round of my drama and started crying for no reason.

Okay, not that I didn’t have any reason at all, but it just wasn’t good enough of a reason, is all. It began with me feeling extremely famished and the next thing I know, I was being all emotional about I just don’t know what. The next thing I know there were hot fat tears streaming down my face and all I wanted to do was to bury my head in my husband’s chest and... sob.

In retrospect, it was kind of funny. And not to mention... silly. But, oh well.


I had a good weekend though. Joined my family for some dinner at el Toro, Subang Avenue. Had some steak there, which was okay. But the mushroom soup was so yummy, it is most definitely worth a repeat! Pottered around my parents’ house. Inspected their fridge. Gobbled on those yummy cupcakes my neighbour gave us. Watched the boys play rugby at the padang. Gossed A LOT with Adik. Oh, and speaking of Adik, did you know that Adik is a genius?


Yes, this hula hooping girl who shares a birthday with Einstein (for real!) scored herself 9A+ and 1A for her SPM. I definitely had a “proud parent” moment last week!

And that is all my life has been about in a nutshell.

Here’s to many more days wearing shoes which only half-fit me.

(Though I really hope it won’t be any more longer than a week from now!)

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

March 20, 2012

Eh eh?

“Still here?!!!”

That question was dubbed “The Most Favourite Question of the Day” yesterday. Yes, I’m still here, both on my blog and at the office. Anyways since that was such a favourite question, yesterday I felt it most appropriate to prepare my Senarai Tugas as at 19 March 2012, just in case. Emailed the list to everyone I’ve been assigned to work with or to take over my work in my absence, just to remind them ANYTIME NOW, bebeh. ANYTIME Haha. Or was that more of a reminder to myself? Errrmm...

And on the list, there’s this ONE thing that I really, really, really don’t feel like doing AT ALL. Tak baik, I know, but really. I’ve been hit by the M Bug; the Malas Bug. At least where that one thing is concerned anyways.

Other than that lone M Bug, I’m still pretty much... me.

Still waking up for work, still preparing breakfast, still getting things done at work (apart from that one thing, of course), going home, preparing dinner, goofing around, still sleeping late sometimes (or all the time, actually), still speaking my mind, still blog hopping and I’m pretty much doing things just as I would as per normal.

But in reality, this waiting game is crazy actually. Really crazy.

People keep joking that it would be okay if I go into labour in the office because there’s so many Abang Gagah who can come to my rescue. Thing is... I don’t even know what labour feels like. I mean of course I’ve heard about contractions, even read up enough on internet forums to give me a “WebMD”, but what they really are is still pretty much of a blur to me.

And instead of being scared, I find that to be hilariously funny because it’s just so ironic? Hahaha. Don’t ask me why, please. I try my best to capitalize on everything these days to increase my own amusement in life. Hard to keep the agitation and annoyance out of a pregnant lady counting days, honestly.

Today, the question above maintains its reputation as “favourite question of the day”. Sometimes (and simply because I can’t help it), I get so annoyed that I want to apply for early leave pronto. But I know people can’t help it. I mean, if I were looking at a serial “waddler” happily waddling her huge butt to work, I’d probably be thinking to myself that “she should be on leave now” too. So, yeah.

But I’m determined I’m okay. In fact, I don’t think I’ve felt this happy and energetic before. Beats me, but while it lasts, I’ll be embracing it with open arms.


Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

March 13, 2012

is it any wonder?

There are times when we are stuck in a ludicrous position, only to realise that there isn’t anyone to blame but ourselves.

The fact that we care too much (perhaps the most) is to blame.
The fact that we take our responsibilities seriously is to blame.
The fact that we just have to do everything to the best of our abilities is to blame.

In the end, we are to blame.

When in fact, if the rest of the world cared as much, took their responsibilities seriously and did their best in everything they did, none of us would be in a ludicrous position to begin with and none of us would be blamed.

Is it any wonder why the world is the way it is, when the norm is the minority?



Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

March 09, 2012

we're always dreaming in our heads.

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
-Dishwalla

I woke up startled (very, very) early this morning. Not surprising though, considering how... startling my dream was – I dreamt that I lost my teeth. First, some of the ones at the back and then just before I woke up, one tooth on the front row came off (please look it up on the internet to see what my dream means, I’m too scared to even copy-paste it). I was quite the sight, I tell you. Scary would certainly be an understatement.

Naturally, I checked the time when I woke up. It was way too early to do anything at that point. Well, way too early if you stay AND work in Putrajaya anyways. And since I’ve ironed all our working clothes for today, even prepared breakfast, I thought I’d take a short nap. But before that, I woke my husband up though, because I needed him to charge my phone for me. Don’t ask me why he has to be the one to do it, I won’t explain. From his alarmed facial expression waking up, I must have scared him to bits.

Sorry babe, I really didn’t mean to give you a false alarm.

I attended a meeting in the morning (which surprisingly turned out well) and happy with the outcome, I thought I’d give myself a treat. In my head, I would run upstairs (obviously that’s just figurative speech, I can’t possibly run up, if still blur, please refer post below), grab my keys and head off to some place I could be alone with a book, sip on some expensive coffee and munch on the yummiest choc-bananah muffin I’ve tasted so far.

The reality?

I’d have to wait for the elevator (which doesn’t take that long really, but still), unlock the door to my room, grab the car keys, get back on the elevator, walk to the carpark (which is out in the blazing sun), put keys in the ignition, wait for the car to heat up a bit, drive myself to Alamanda, get myself a parking spot, walk to the shop to first check out if there’s actually a place for this heavily pregnant lady to land her big bum and if there wasn’t, I’d have to place my orders to-go and look for an alternative spot to spend some time with my book. And the consequence of that is that I’d probably receive multiple stares from everyone in Alamanda. Loneliness (or loners or whatever it is) aren’t perceived that well in Putrajaya, by the way. And oh, I’d have to leave Alamanda by at least 2.00 p.m. in order to arrive at the office at a decent time, find a good parking spot at the office carpark and go back up the elevator.

So there. After considering the reality against the romantic idea of spending my Friday afternoon alone with a book, expensive coffee and a muffin, here I am.

We’re always dreaming in our head. But do we all consider the reality against our dreams?

We’re always dreaming in our head. But how much can we depend on our dreams? Was my dream just a really bad nightmare, or could it be that it’s a sign? After all, people do say that, “when one comes, another one goes”. It’s like a “replacement/recycling scheme” to put it loosely.

And as much as I know that the only sure thing in life is us “going”, God Forbid, I’m not ready for that kind of dugaan. Really. No matter how bad of a person I’ve been of late, I really hope that that dream was a mere dream. Or could it be that... (??!) Okay, I won’t say it out loud, my husband would go ballistic.

Or, my dream could have meant that... next time I shouldn’t make fun of my husband’s teeth right before going to bed. Because that’s exactly what I did.

Of course, that was just my attempt at making myself feel better.

Though honestly, it doesn’t make me feel any less scared.

if I was to give in - give it up - and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold 

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

March 06, 2012

Full term.


I spent half of yesterday trying my very best not to “kiss” my work station (re: fall sleep). To say that my efforts were futile would be too harsh; they weren’t exactly negligible. But then, at some point, I think I just gave in. If not, there must be some other logical explanation why I felt a lot fresher after I “blacked out” at some point. I may not have noticed that I napped, but I’m pretty positive at the moment that I did. So, yeah.

Sleeping has never really been my issue before; pregnant or not pregnant. I can pretty much sleep whenever and wherever. But of late, it has become increasingly difficult because it’s been so warm at night (and it’s just me, I know!!) All I want to do is strip everything off apart from my socks and burn all those comforters, which (ironically) don’t comfort me that much anymore.

But, that would lead to a runny nose (and possibly fever) and everyone knows that it’s best to avoid being sick, especially nearing your EDD. So, I try my best to sleep with everything on, while I toss and turn to find the “perfect position” and by the time it’s the morning after, I am EXHAUSTED beyond repair! Which leads to unwarranted, but simply beyond my control “blackouts”.

Hmm. The wonders of being a mommy-to-be.

Now, don’t I sound all hyped and excited?

I’m getting a lil’ bit agitated about I-don’t-know-what these days. Maybe it’s the jitters, maybe I’m just tired or maybe I can’t quite make up my mind on whether I want to see my boy more or whether I’m going to miss being pregnant. Either way, I’m going a lil’ bit out of my mind as I’m officially in the last leg of my pregnancy.

at 36 weeks

It’s 4, possibly 5 weeks to go ‘til the end of this pregnancy. If I gave birth this week, my baby would be considered premature, though already full term. If he decides he’d like to come next week, he’s normal. Most babies, I read, come out during the 37th or 42nd week. So, yeah. Figures why I’m so scared, I guess? It could be that near or that far. And I don’t know what to expect or what to feel.

Funny, considering how much I’ve prepped myself for this. Well, physically, at least. Most of the things on the list are bought or being given as a present, like the lovely SnugGo Baby Carrier my friends got me. The only 2 important things that we are without right now are the baby’s dresser and also a new fridge/deep freezer and perhaps more moolah hahahaha. Oh and that reminds me that I haven't really bought him any toys yet.

But it’s the fact that nothing can be predetermined or planned or anticipated that drives me crazy and I hate it.

Other than that, we’re more or less set and ready to go.

Or are we really?

At this point, I really can't tell.



Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

March 02, 2012

Menuntut

(a long and heartfelt post. just saying. in case you don't dig long and heartfelt)

Once, we used to have Friday morning tazkirah every fortnight. Each session probably lasted about ½ hour, sometimes a lil’ bit more, but they really made my mornings. I must admit though, that at first, I was rather reluctant to attend. There was always something bugging me, I always felt like I had something more urgent to do and most importantly, I felt like I was being discriminated/ prejudiced because of my physicality.

Ternyata sangkaan aku meleset.

Those Friday morning tazkirahs eventually grew on me. I became addicted to them. And most importantly, nobody was looking at my hair. Rather, they were really just sharing with me invaluable information and knowledge; things I either already knew about but needed reminding or reassurance or new things altogether – no judgment nor discrimination. To them I was just another eager, wide-eyed new officer, who attended those sessions for whatever my reasons may be.

Bottom line is that I loved those sessions; they really filled me up in ways you cannot imagine.

But then, came the shuffle in the organisation and the constant penceramah was promoted to a higher post, somewhere better. Naturally, the sessions stopped. And naturally, with no constant reminders of our being and how much we owe to our Creator, I eventually became emptier and emptier.

If you haven’t already noticed, religion is a very fragile and sensitized matter in Malaysia. I don’t say it is sensitive because by nature, it really isn’t. Rather, it is made sensitive by various quarters, so much so that talking about religion makes people all touchy and feely, especially in cases where there are interracial misunderstandings.

Worst, religion is now used as an agenda/tool by most political parties, that when you voice out an opinion or take a particular stand, you are deemed to be in support of a particular political party, even when in fact you are, or should be apolitical, like me.

But of late, I have been itching for new knowledge and enlightenment. There’s only so much of darkness and emptiness that you can tolerate after some time, especially when you’ve had such a blessed and happy life. You start to wonder whether your Creator is spending any time on you or whether He has forgotten you or whether He still loves you because there are times when you are too happy. So happy that you are delirious; so delirious that you forget that life is indeed is a cycle. This happiness is bound to end or be tested some time and you know that when you hit the ground after so much time on top, it’s going to hurt. And bad.

And at times like these, I wished I knew who or what to turn to. Books, articles, people, something.

My understanding of my own religion is far from commendable; hardly deserving of applause or praise, but I know for a fact that my religion is actually really simple. When something seems so simple to do, people tend to ask, “So, what’s the catch?” and the real answer is “None” because it really is that simple.

The complications that come with it are as a result of (mis)interpretations or difference in opinion. I think it’s quite common in all religions and much as I admit that it’s important to be in the know of what those scholarly opinions are, I guess it’s also important to go back to the basics; you spend time on your Creator, your Creator will spend time on you.

And spending time on my Creator can be as easy as reading/reciting verses of the al-Quran.

I may not fully understand the al-Quran (yet), may not read it as often as I would like or should and most times, I take its existence for granted; what good is a book left on the shelves collecting dust, right? And oh, yes, shame on me, I make excuses for not reciting it; among other excuses include – no time, I don’t even understand its meaning, work, too tired, etc. etc.

And with all those excuses, I expect my Creator to spend time on me? The fact that He’s made my life easy should already make me thankful and now I want Him to pay more than more attention to me?

Hmmm.

I guess I really have to sit down and reevaluate myself. Clearly, there is something “lacking” in my life despite “having it all” and it’s worrying me.

And because it’s actually really easy to get up close and personal with my Creator in a “no-holds-barred” kind of way, without so much of “a catch”, I’ll have to start stopping making excuses especially with the most obvious all encompassing answer to what books, articles, people, something is; the al-Quran. I was the one who said it was that easy. I guess it really is.

After all, I should always pay heed to this story,

"Suatu pagi di hujung minggu, seorang budak bernama Mikail terdengar atuknya membaca Al-Quran. Sebaik sahaja atuknya selesai mengaji, dia terus menerpa ke atuknya lalu bertanya,


“Tuk, Mikail nak tanya ni. Tuk faham tak ape yang atuk baca tadi?”.


Dengan tenang atunya menjawab, “Mestilah faham cu. Dulu atuk pernah belajar bahasa arab dengan arwah bapa atuk. Kenapa cu?”


Mikail kemudian menyatakan pendapatnya tentang membaca Al-Quran. Dia memberitahu bahawa beruntunglah atuknya itu sebab tahu membaca dan memahami isi kandungan Al-Quran sedangkan dia hanya tahu membaca tapi tak faham langsung. Jadi tak ada faedah bagi dia membaca sebab tak faham. Serupalah jugak kalau kita membaca surat khabar bahasa jerman ke atau bahasa perancis. Baca boleh tapi apa pun tak faham.


Kemudian atuknya membawa Mikail ke luar rumah. Sampai sahaja di tasik berdekatan dengan rumahnya itu, disuruhnya Mikail untuk mengambil air dari tasik itu untuk diisi ke dalam baldi di hadapan rumahnya dengan menggunakan bakul sampah.


Mikail kehairanan memikirkan apa yang disuruh oleh atuknya itu. Namun tanpa berfikir panjang, dia lakukan juga. Selepas beberapa kali cuba, dia tidak dapat mengisi air ke dalam baldi tersebut. Mikail akhirnya berputus asa. Lalu dia pun berkata kepada atuknya,


“Atuk, dah banyak kali saya cuba tapi tak boleh jugak sebab air keluar daripada bakul ni. Macam mana?”


Kemudian atuknya memberitahu,


“Begitulah juga kalau kamu membaca Al-Quran tetapi tidak dapat menghayati isi kandungannya sebab tak faham. Meskipun baldi tersebut tidak dapat diisi, tapi bakul smapah tu tadi yang kotor sekarang sudah bersih. Begitu lah juga dengan hati kamu. Selagi kamu membaca Al-Quran, selagi itulah hati kamu akan sentiasa bersih.”"

InsyaAllah, may this be a beginning to all enlightenings. Amin.