December 24, 2010

centrifugal.


12 is my favourite number for very obvious reasons.

We all seem to like our birth dates, don’t you think so? And I kind of think that is normal.

Coincidentally, my favourite quote (so far) in a book which Busu lent me is at page 12.

It says,

I attract to my life whatever I give my attention, energy and focus to, whether positive or negative.”

That is keeping me quiet for a while.

Since I can now open FB in the office, I have the luxury of going through the photos in which I was tagged in. I came across the photo above and smiled at the memory. Oh, just in case you are wondering who that guy in the middle is, he was my OP.

There are numerous comments on this photo. A lot of them focus on the subject in the centre, of course, and some comments were made as to why the Groom (the one making the face like Johnny Bravo, dahlah nama pun Johnny, hahaha) was making such a face. It’s such a funny sight and the comments which ensue get even funnier.

But one comment focused on a more centrifugal figure.

And no matter how many times I read the comment, I feel my heartstrings being tugged at. I’m too proud to admit how much of mush this photo is making me because I know that it’s so silly. (I think I just admitted though, haha)

It doesn’t even focus on me.

And as much as I’d like it to be so, I know that whatever that makes sense to me doesn’t necessarily make sense to any other person, for we are all different. So, even though it is silly, it doesn’t matter.

And so, it makes sense that sometimes, we focus on the more centrifugal things in life because it matters to us much more than it matters to others. What may be centrifugal to people might just be the centre of our world?

Easier said than understood, I know. But that’s okay. No right or wrong one, just different lah ;). Kan Eka?

Just like the memory of the photo above.

Oh, good times they were. And good times to come, insyaAllah.


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December 23, 2010

everybody's changing.

Reminiscence.

I began today with reminiscence. I probably will begin everyday with reminiscence from now onwards.

I left old songs to loop and eventually, I left Everybody’s Changing to play on its own.

It was such a long time ago. It has been so long since the last time I heard that song. But that doesn’t make the song any less important or less significant in any way.

Nice song, isn’t it?

It’s a wonder how songs can affect us and how some songs can tell us more stories about ourselves more than the rest. And although that chapter of my life has now passed, I still remember some things every time it plays. Hmm.

Moving on. Work has been kind of hectic of late. I have been sleeping a lot and have trouble waking up every morning. The weather is to blame, of course. It gets so cold at night that the only thing you can think of the moment the alarm rings is to snuggle deeper into your duvet because that seems like the right thing to do. Although it’ll cost you and you know it. We’re such weird creatures, don’t you think?

But be that as it may, we all change. And right now, everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.

But that’s okay. We’ll all change and we won’t feel the same. And that, we can’t control.

What we can determine, though, is whether for better or for worse.

I’d go for better, any time. Of course, dengan izin Allah. InsyaAllah ;)


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December 22, 2010

waiting outside the lines.

I was an athlete back in school.

I ran 4 x 100 in school. I was always the first runner. But that was not because I was the fastest but because I insisted. I insisted because I couldn’t grasp the concept of someone passing the baton to me.

I had to be the first one passing the baton.

Don’t get me wrong, I did try once in a while to receive the baton rather than being the first to pass it, but more often than not, I dropped the baton when I received it. No matter how ready I was, I was always taken by surprise. Somehow.

I know why, though.

The baton came from the back and I was running forward. Sometimes, I had to look back to see if my teammate was coming any closer. Then, I would see whether or not she was slower or faster than the other teams.

And that makes me lose my focus and of course, lose my speed. I know now that being the subsequent runners is a skill and an art. My job as a first runner was only to begin and to make sure that I was the first team to reach my second runner. But of course, that doesn’t make me any less important of course.

Because I was always the first to face the music. I was always there at the starting line. The white chalk beneath my spikes (or at times, just bare feet) unnerved me. Foul starts made me want to vomit. I felt the burning sensation of sprinting even before my sprints began.

And when I finally reached my second runner, I’d have to wait with bated breath until my last runner makes her victory run. Or not.

Somehow, that athletic streak stuck with me up until now.

I find comfort in the burning sensation in my chest every time I run out of breath. Disturbing, I know. Only now, I am a lone runner, sprinting. Just sprinting.

And right now, I feel like I am at the starting line, just like old times. Complete with pre burning sensation and everything. And after so many years of practice, I still can’t be taken by surprise.

Except good surprises, of course. Even then, I’d still cry.

I’m waiting just outside the lines. For good and better reasons, I am sure of, insyaAllah.

I’m waiting. I’m waiting.




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December 17, 2010

the memory keeper.

It’s a long lunch hour and here I am in the office.

I do not know what is causing me to not want to go out during lunch hour but I have faith that it is a good reason, whatever it may be.

I have eaten my lunch and I am in the process of fattening myself up. I think everyone around me will grow fat with all their attempts to make me fat because they are eating along with me. It’s a sad and kesian story for them, but well, it’s a true story.

Every time I go online, it’s like I have a thousand words all ready in my head.

It’s just sometimes, I find that I am lost for words despite those 1000 words. I am in a reflecting mood. I am reflecting all that I have done in the past years, way back to those times when I started to remember. I am a memory keeper.

After all these days perhaps couple of weeks I have been away from my blog, I have come to realise more and more that I am a memory keeper and that I have this storage in my head whose capacity I cannot gauge. There is so much in here (my head), I’m not sure whether I love it or hate it at this point.

Point is, I am in a reflecting mood. I am thinking of all I have said and done and I wonder about how it has affected people, in general.

So, now that I am here, reflecting and remembering oh so many things, I would like to apologise for all that I have said and done. Because I am sure that there are other memory keepers out there as well who simply cannot forget or let go of what I have said to them or any wrong I have done to them. Intentionally or not.

Memory keeper needs to get back to work right now because memory keeper was not paid to think of memories at work. Memory keeper is way random today. Way random.


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when did it all start?

When did it all start?

I wish I knew the answer, but does it really matter.

Someone asked this rhetorical question which made me wonder.

I think it began when we all grew up (and got our drivers license). It also reached a total high a year before Atuk’s passing. He always brought us together. Whether we liked it or not. What a wise man he was.

We grew up and found comfort in knowing that although we are all different and can never ever quite be the same, we are who we are and we love each other as is.

Sometimes, you make my heart soar, sometimes, you make me sad. But ultimately, the constant factor is you. All of you. You make my heart melt with all your silly gestures and you make me think about the things I have never thought of thinking. You people inspire me to a point where I wonder where all those little girls have hidden and the things you have been through to get to where you are; the things that have made you grow.

You people make me cry yet kiss my tears away the moment they roll down my cheek. You people teach me that love comes in many different forms. And with you, I find comfort in the silence that engulfs us. Bile rises in my throat every time I think of us. Sometimes they are happy thoughts. Sometimes, they are sad ones.

I read through old blog posts and messages and wonder; how did we get from there to here?

So much has changed. But that’s what life is all about isn’t it? Change. Inevitable. But it will come to you. Whether or not you like it.

In years to come, will we change more than we will it? Definitely, I can guarantee so. But whether or not for better or for worst is something only we can determine.

I don’t know why I came up with this post, but its probably because I got these pictures. Credits to Sarah. Photos from 27112010 at my house for Kenduri Doa Selamat and Tahlil.






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fact.

A penny for my thoughts,
Oh, no. I’ll sell them for a dollar,
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner,
And maybe you’ll hear the words I’ve been singing,
Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening.

-The Band Perry

How true.




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December 06, 2010

divine.

Yesterday was nothing short of amazing. It must have been one of the best days of my life so far. What a great, great day it was; from start to finish, everything was just amazing. Amazing.

You’ve never really seen me lost for words. Now, I am.

Friends are family we choose for ourselves, and I am more than glad I chose all of you.

Yesterday was what I needed and it was so much more.

Much ♥

You are all amazing.

Trust me, I will come up with a longer post than this, just not now okay, lovelies ;)?

Teaser should suffice for now :)



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December 03, 2010

I’m sorry.

I have been brought up in way where we were taught not to bitch about each other, as much as we possibly could.

I have been brought up in a way where we all acknowledge that life is not a bed of roses, or rather;

life is a bed of roses, with all the thorns on and still intact.

And so, when we have a problem with each other, we thrash it out. And my, my, my. It gets so painful sometimes. But we always emerge better. We always emerge stronger. We always emerge with love, oh yes, so much of it, you have no idea.

And that’s the way things go and are still going ‘til this very day. We try as much as we can to not bitch about each other because that’s just not the way to go.

So, when people pull faces at me when I do something wrong and expect me to understand body language of some sort (distancing oneself from me etc. for long periods of time) and expect me to actually broach him/her like I acknowledge that there is a problem, I refuse to do so.

Because to me, if you’ve got a problem, say what you need to say to me. Or forever hold your peace.

So, when I found out about something unbecoming that was happening, which I didn’t like, as it is an issue closely related to me, I decided to practice what I preach. I broached the issue and confronted the subject.

The thing with me is that I like to imagine what things would be like before they actually happen. So, I play and replay the scene in my head before I actually went on with my plan.

But it didn’t turn out to be the way I imagined.

It turned out to be better.

Sometimes, we’ve got to look back at all those old idioms and know for a fact that they were created because they are true and based on countless observations of mankind.

Honesty is the best policy.

I went along with that because I knew that I couldn’t do it any other way for me to heave the burden off my chest and shoulders.

And like I said, it turned out different. But it turned out better. Because all I did was to say what I needed to say in earnest. Because my aim for that meet was for him/her to find out exactly what it was that I thought and felt and most importantly, where I was coming from.

And I was coming from nowhere but the heart.

And thereafter, I aimed to never have a grudge about the issue or person anymore since I know that grudges and hate suck the life out of me like Dementors do. My aim was to clear the air and I did just that.

Alhamdulillah. I feel so much calmer now. Thank you.

All because I did it in earnest,

and because I had a clear aim of what I intended to achieve.

Now, let's put that smile on our face, and move on :)





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December 01, 2010

happiness.

Someday you'll turn the radio on, I hope it takes you back to that place,
When you think happiness,
I hope you think that little black dress,
Think of my head on your chest,
And my old faded blue jeans.

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