May 31, 2010

honey, honey, how you thrill me.

 the best I tell you!

Very recently (as in around 2 weeks ago), I began a “honey” diet. And with the honey diet, my milk intake has increased because honey just makes everything taste a whole lot better. And it helps that Anlene is really tasty (even on its own), so I can happily say that my bones are in good hands, InsyaAllah.

Only recently, I began developing zits. At the most deplorable places you can imagine. And don’t even start me on how painful they can get because of the unstrategic choice of location (read: under the nose, on the nose, near the chin). And then, it hit me!

I once (upon a time ago) used to eat honey with everything imaginable. I drank milk with honey, ate toast with honey, marinated chicken with honey, put honey masks on my face. Everything was about the lovely, gooey, sweet stuff. That was of course, until I discovered that zits would develop (more than usual) every time I consumed honey.

So, last night I asked Mama whether or not honey is “warm”.

And she said, 
Yes, it is panas. Why?
So, I told her that I have been consuming honey and now, there are zits under my nose and all over.
She then said,
Rather than you sitting in front of your computer opening Facebook, why don’t you Google on honey instead?

Baiklah. So, I did. And I found out that there is nothing bad about honey at all! None of the webpages found by Google can badmouth honey and they’ve got all honeyed things to say about it ;p

To sum it up, these are the top 5:

Honey Nutrition #1: Complex Sugar and Carbohydrates
Honey Nutrition #2: Complex Carbohydrates
Honey Nutrition #3: Vitamins and minerals (in fact better than vege and fruit!)
Honey Nutrition #4: Amino Acids
Honey Nutrition #5: Antioxidants

So, you see. I just can’t make head and tail of why honey is causing me zits, when the scientific research has found out otherwise. It actually contains Vitamic C, which is supposed to be good for the skin!

And then, during lunch, while I was looking for my fork to eat my lunch, I found this (ONLY quarter full):


And I had the cheek to blame honey?

Pfftt. So pandai sometimes.

p.s: Did I tell you how much Nips I used to eat as well? Just about the same time I used to consume honey with just about everything. Kesimpulan is that I have to ditch the Nips diet now :'(

photos googled.

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6 ekor ayam menjadi mangsa

On Saturday night, we had a mini get-together. I normally get to see only 11 (or less) of them (the Futsie Gang) so it was nice to have a bigger (albeit not even 20%) of the whole batch there.

In the process, 6 chickens were given the honour of feeding us, a lot of homemade everything was brought to the table and we had more than enough food to feed the entire batch, I tell you! We've all become such good cooks :'). Oh, how far we've come.

And us being us, there was a lot of noise, alot of gossip, a lot of stories and mostly, a lot of love. I can't upload any photos though, as due respect must be given to my hijab-clad friends ;)

(okayla, ada satu yang can)

Thanks a million to Apan for hosting the get-together and for all those who brought all the yummy food! (ESPECIALLY Ude, I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS! I want that nasi goreng tomyam, termimpi-mimpi please!)


Well, anyways, I was accompanied by Nadd dearest that night (and she, accompanied by me) since our parents are both strict and unless and until we go out with our “trusted” ones, we don’t really go out that much.

In the car, to and from Apan’s house, we were talking about how some people NEVER change.

And I thought they did. I honestly, honestly thought they would. What is it that makes them the way they are? No, really. I’m not just being rhetorical. I know that some people act the way they act because they are hurt. They are hurt so deeply hurt inside, even they don’t know it. And the worst part is that they cannot help but to want to hurt others as well.

But I can take it if we say “they cannot help it” when we know that they can’t. What I can’t tolerate is when they use the excuse “I cannot help it” after like a gazillion times repeating the same “mistake” (which to them, is completely NORMAL, so to speak), while all the while being very much conscious about what they are doing.

And how do I know that they are conscious? Because they can’t stand other people doing the same things that they are doing to other people. Get it? Please tell me you get it? Because I can’t bother explaining.

And I’m not pissed off unnecessarily with these people who never change because I’m such a busybody. I’m pissed because the same thing happened to me and I can no longer call it a consequence anymore. Some people have the same Modus Operandi and think that in everything, friendship is thicker than partners when that is NOT necessarily the truth or how it should always be.

Yes, some people might scorn on me for saying that. Everyone puts friendship above all else because without friends, who are we? In every failed relationship, we run back to our friends. And no matter how much we ignored them during the relationship, most friends would willingly welcome us back. But what if we know our friend all too well AND trust our partners more than we actually trust our friend? Wouldn’t it be best to believe in our partner, especially if the same MO has been repeated on some other (close) friend of ours who had to go through the same ordeal?

I can’t tolerate it anymore. I thought they would change. I guess I was way too optimistic.

This (the story of the one who never changed) is the only thing which spoiled my weekend.

Other than that, IT WAS GREAT!



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May 29, 2010

i was in the mood.

So, this week is one of those rare 4-working-day weeks with 3-day weekends. It's been a while now, hasn't it? And it's a much needed break too, considering the amount of time I spent at work last week. It was chronic, I tell you. I didn't talk to my colleagues at all the entire week because we were never free and by the time Thursday came, low-blood pressure attacked me. I knew I needed to slow down.

So, for the long weekend, I decided to do something that I love, which I have not been doing for eons now. I don't know whether it's because everyone in the house is on diet or because I'm just plain lazy to clean up after but point is I haven't done it for a long time. But yesterday, I was determined. After breakfast with Mamita and after running errands in Shah Alam, there was nothing else on my mind apart from BAKING.

I WAS HYPERVENTILATING. I needed to bake so badly, I cannot tell you how much (oh, dear, drama).

So, here goes.


Brownies made with love. 

If there was one food in this world, which would fit the bill of "don't judge the book by its cover", this would be it. This is the most deceiving looking dessert. I'm not lying. Once you bite, you'll be a convert for life.
 
Best served after baking day and a night in the fridge, topped with vanilla ice cream.

And these - are the homemade cupcakes made with love as well for our BBQ tonight. These are also mean though they look so super comot. I'm seriously not an artist in the kitchen, that much I know now. 

Okay, I'm going to get my 4th share of brownies for today now. Bye.



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May 27, 2010

in the long run.

Everything is about “in the long run”. Almost everything. No one lives in the moment anymore because we are thinking about “the long run”. As annoying as it seems, it’s true that we cannot run away from thinking about the future. Cannot. In everything we do, we are thinking of the consequences in the future. We cannot do something because it makes us happy now and not think about how it’ll make us feel later on. Sungguh stress di situ, bukan?

I have figured out that the things we don’t like (or even hate) the most are those which will keep on coming back to us.

The easiest example would be relationship-wise. No, it’s not that I don’t love my boyfriend. It’s just that at some point in my past life, I profusely promised myself that I would never (EVER) end up with someone who comes from a Sekolah Berasrama Penuh (SBP). I remember my exact words “Boring la. Nanti tak berkembang!” Oh, I’ve very much mengembang alright. Pipi-wise. He makes me so damn happy, you have no idea. So, serves me right, don’t you think so? I’ve been with him for 5+ years now.

The other thing is Company Law – the one thing which caused my scores to be a little bit less than perfect. I hated it. Company Law day in University meant Rojak and Cendol Karim Seksyen 9 for me. We always had them both just before class and my notes in class would look like the leaning tower of Pisa (akibat terlalu mengantuk). I cannot remember any class where I didn’t have to borrow someone else’s notes to copy when I got home. And after so many attempts to avoid having to do any work even mildly related to Company Law? Surprise, surprise. I even have the Company Secretary’s Handbook in my office with me now. Maybe I should consider applying to become one. Wah, sedikit far-fetched di situ.

I don’t like clingy people. I love space – my own time, my own things, my own everything. So, it beats me why clingy people are attracted to me. And no, I’m not talking about the love-sex-attraction, but more of the friendship kind of attraction. I’m like the least friendly person – in the sense that I don’t spend my hours in the office going from room to room or cubicle to cubicle to socialize. Not that I have so much to do or anything; I just don’t see the point of going round and round talking about people or things, etc. I choose the people with whom I gossip. But still, people who are clingy are attracted to me. Tak faham.

The other thing which I absolutely hate is doing research. I’m so ashamed to admit it, because the nature of my profession requires me to do research. My research sucks. BIG TIME. Tersangat teruk as compared to those who are so resourceful that it reflects in their work. I love to write though. When we were doing our Final Year Thesis, I was the writer/editor. I love writing things that make sense. But research is just not my thing. And guess what? That’s the bulk of the thing I’m doing now! Everything needs thorough research, thorough investigation (to put it loosely) and thorough asking around.Padan muka kau, Kak.

Point is, we don’t know where we’ll end up in the future. The things we hate may end up being the things we learn to love. That’s why, it’s always about “in the long run”, I guess. Because the things that make us happy in the moment will not last. Not all the time.

With that, I begin vetting my agreement now (the other thing which I don’t really like because it doesn’t involve much writing).

But I’m trying my best to be positive. I promise.

And it IS working ;). I promise even harder.



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May 26, 2010

specific b slaps.

I'll start this of with a specific note to a specific person. This is what we all have come to fondly know as the b****h slap. As we all know, that's what we all need at times.

If there's any pain at all that you're feeling at this point in time, it is not solely the pain that the specific person has been causing you, but also contributed by your own foolishness in dealing with the pain. My take on it is - walk away. And do it with dignity. That's all you've got left.

My second specific note goes out to a person I hardly understand. 

I don't know why it's so easy for you to frown. For absolutely no reason at all. I say that there's no reason because no one has been brave (or bright) enough to come forward to tell me what it is that's bugging the hell out of everyone so much. Really. What is it with me that dissatisfies you so much? Or is it your time of the month and it's okay for you to go around pulling faces at other people for petty reasons? Hope you realise that frowns tire our muscles. Everyone has problems. Give your muscles a break and smile already. Better still, stop being a coward and tell me what's wrong. I don't read silly frowns. 

My third specific note goes to...

NO ONE.

I'm not as angry as I thought I was, I guess. Need to get a good dose of coffee and I better get this piece of work done quick. No more late nights. No more.I'm exhausted.

Oh, turns out that I can write a short post after all.






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May 24, 2010

Reasons to do less

I’m writing this today because I am convinced that ample research have been done to substantiate such finding and that’s why they have been repeatedly featured in various copies of Reader’s Digest. So far, on my count, 3 copies (coming from previous years and recent ones) show that multi-taskers actually have very little to be proud of.

We (women) pride ourselves in how our mind is able to branch itself out automatically. With every marriage, birth and growth of our family and children, the more we use our brain. When we go to work, there are at least a thousand things already running in our head the moment we ignite the engine. And I’m not saying that it’s an entirely bad thing, no. Because someone has GOT TO multitask if we want the job done.

For example, if you are a bride-to-be, no one is going to think about your dress, make-up and photographer BUT YOURSELF. And when you are pregnant, you are tabbing your kid’s milestones and thinking about the vitamins that you are going to take and about whether or not you want to go for epidural or whether you want a C-Sect or natural birth. And even when in pain, you’re thinking about whether or not you’ve got enough things inside your hospital bag just in case the baby decides to pop early. All this when you’re driving, at work, while eating and while doing everything else. We always find a time “in-between”. We love to do that.

See. I’m not even any of the things I mentioned above and I know this by just reading other people’s blogs. So, in the end, I think that it’s okay for women to multitask in that sense. Someone’s got to do it.

But what I’m more concerned about is when we multitask too much at work.

Sure, so much more gets done in the office when we multitask. In a way, it makes us a rounder person (bukan di pipi saja) kind of person. But then, have you ever thought why Donald Trump is so rich? Because he focuses on the things he does and puts his energy in things he likes. Business is his game and property, his first love.

Where we are now, there’s no way we can do that. Or maybe, it’s just where I am that I’m not able to really specialize. Because there are so many other things which bother my train of thought. Like when I’m really immersed in writing my opinion and the phone rings more than 3 times in a morning, telling me to do 6 different things.

Then, when I finally get back to the task I was doing earlier, my momentum has been broken. I can no longer remember what it was I last thought and don’t even start me with my mood or my lack of if.


And at the end of the day, the more petty things which come in between gets done and the bigger things are left in a corner while we get every other little thing done. And this exhausts us because we have to keep on going back to square one since we’ve already forgotten our train of thought.

So, in my personal opinion, multitasking in this sense is not really healthy. In fact, it’s not healthy AT ALL. People will remember you for being the one with the most projects, etc. but what’s the point when at the end of the day, you’re the jack of all trades and master of none.

Such a waste.


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May 20, 2010

kesalahan tak lazim.

I was texting Abdul in the library just now because I needed help on some research.

He’s sort of like… my encyclopedia sometimes.

You know what it’s like with phones nowadays, right? When you type something, they either suggest a word in their system or suggest a word you’ve used in a text before.

I was looking for a book in the library (why else would I be there?) and texting him at the same time.


Abdul, what are the criteria of a pubic company?


And I had the urge to check before sending. Oops. Pubic Company? Hahahaha. What on earth is that?

Guess that auto spell functions don’t help that much after all, huh?

And by this, I am reminded by a presentation I had to do when I was in 1st year, Law School.

My classmate pointed something out to me, which I dismissed (sebab semasa 1st year saya ada sedikit bongkak perasan bagus tak mungkin aku ada buat salah kind of attitude), which I came to regret later.


My presentation was on Penisular Malaysia.


Baca betul-betul kalau nak tahu apa kesalahan saya. Betul-betul baca.

*slaps palm on forehead kalau masih tak nampak!*

I need to go to spelling class.




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little sentences.

Wow.3 days out of the office can do wonders. Sort of.
Don't get me wrong, I do like my job. But that doesn't make me a superwoman who doesn't like breaks.
And 3 days was enough for me. I came back today and was slapped with a pile of work to do.
Things are different now in the office. But it's kind of nice to say that... in a lot of ways, it's better.

This weekend, my cousin will be getting married.
She's 30, mind you and we all gave up on her because she's a workaholic.
But she finally, I mean HE finally found her and she set her ultimatum. Either you come and meet my parents or let's not get into this relationship at all.

He came with his family. And everything is set.
They will wed, insyaAllah on 23.05.10. Of course there were controversies.
They felt that he wasn't good enough for her. Well, tell me, which parent wouldn't be cynical about the boy taking their girl's hand. Correct?
No one can love us as unconditionally as they can. And they forget that.
But that aside, Alhamdulillah. I am truly happy for the union.

I am finding out that patience is not a mere virtue. It is a superhuman capability which very few can handle without falling sick or dropping dead.
There’s a lot of things we can do in this life.
But that doesn’t mean anyone will be pleased with our decisions. But we weren’t born to please everyone.
Maybe, we were born to just make the best out of our lives and live and let live.

Did you know that happiness is subjective?
I just found out. Sort of.
But it’s so subjective, no one really understands what makes you happy because they obviously wouldn’t be happy with what we’re happy with.
But that aside.
I actually am having a good day.




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May 18, 2010

sun beam

You know its love when you will do everything you can to slot in some time, no matter how hard the day was.

You know its love when your parents don’t bother to call you although it’s way past midnight because they know that you are in good hands.

You know its love when you still fight over who gets to bathe first and mock each other about the amount of time they spend to get ready.

You know its love when 2 people can share a small bed and it’s all still okay.

You know its love when you enjoy the simplest things like eating honey-chocolate covered cornflakes in your PJs with your eyes still so heavy with sleep.

You know its love when you can go out with no plans and still know that you’re going to have a blast.

You know its love when you can sit in line at Chili’s more than the 10 minutes promised and not be agitated by it.

You know its love when you share 3 plates of everything and nothing and be content sharing.

You know its love when you take crazy photos together and not care if the people around you thinks you’re out of your mind.

You know its love when you can go aimlessly in and out of shops not buying anything for 4 whole hours.

You know its love when it doesn’t really matter if you’ve run out of things to say. It’s the presence that counts.

I had that kind of weekend. I feel 10 years younger. We discussed so many things. Girly things. Adult things. Problems. Opinions.

I have such great people in my life and I am proud they are my family. I am amazed at what a 19 year old can teach me and inspire me to do. I am amazed.

I am so happy that we were all born with such great, big hearts; even if it means we get hurt sometimes.

I am glad that you girls are part of my life.

This post is lacking in photos. But they will come. I ♥ you both.


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May 13, 2010

bukti

... yang saya habiskan terlalu banyak masa dalam kereta dan juga di office:

Contoh 1:

Harini boss takda, so boleh keluar lunch sebab takda meeting atau apa-apa yang urgent untuk submit.

Waktu lunch, turun lift dan start kereta dengan gelojoh sekali.

Kawan-kawan lain seronok sebab saya yang jarang-jarang nak keluar ni siap offer nak drive lagi. Sebelum keluar dari kawasan basement, mesti flash tag pegawai so that palang macam dekat shopping mall tu terbuka.

Jadi, saya pun buka dashboard.

Dan dengan confident sekali, saya pun keluarkan the intended item.
.
.
.
.
.

SMART TAG.  (dah smart sangat la tu)

Dan dengan confident sekali, saya flash Tag tu dekat sensor.

Lepas tu, bengang dengan palang,

"Hey, apasal stupid sangat taknak bukak ni?"

Kalau sensor boleh cakap, agaknya dia pun panggil aku bangang sama.

Yang paling best ialah takda seorang pun dalam kereta tu yang perasan saya guna Smart Tag sebab semua dah berangan-angan nak makan sizzling mee dekat Food Court. CIS.


Contoh 2:

Oh, seronoknya hati dah nak sampai Alamanda. Game plan kami 5 sekawan ialah untuk tak spend duit sebaik masuk gaji dan tunggu hujung bulan baru spend. Barulah boleh berlagak tak ingat dunia macam tu. Siapa suruh korang spend duit, tengok kitorang masih ada (sikit) duit. Hahaha.

Well, anyways. Alamanda kosong pada hujung-hujung bulan is not the story here today.

Sampai di Alamanda pon ada palang macam dekat office tadi.

Bukak tingkap.

Keluarkan tag pegawai.

Flash dekat sensor.

Tunggu.

"Hoi, orang lapar la. Kenapa tak bukak lagi ni?"

Ooops. =.=" 

Kalau tak faham kenapa saya tak boleh masuk Alamanda tadi, nampaknya anda lebih kurang lampi dengan saya.


Contoh 3: (tau, tau dah bosan dah)

Hadi: Apa iklan-iklan latest ha? (this is a game we all like to play esp kalau tengah bosan and sleepy waktu petang)

Me: KLMU, KLMU, KLMU, KLMU. Jangan berterima kasih kepada saya. Berterima kasihlah kepada KLMU, KLMU, KLMU, KLMU

Iklan tu, I tell you... baiklah, I shall reserve my comments.

Kesimpulannya? Kelapa dah weng.


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May 12, 2010

Well, hello there Sunshine.



Relationships affect us in many, many ways. Sometimes, they affect us more than we want or ever intended for them to. We are all guilty of this, no matter how we tell ourselves that we are an exception. We are never spared of the changes/effects relationships bring. And IT’S OKAY because everyone goes through the same motions.

The only thing we (women) have got left to ourselves is our dignity. Though in this time and age, even the word dignity itself has a whole subjective meaning of its own. But that still shouldn’t stop us from acting in a dignified manner if something/someone affects us so much until it hurts. It’s okay to hurt because again, everyone goes through the same motions. It’s only normal for us to cry when someone hurts us – what’s important is that we don’t hurt ourselves more.

And the only way to do that is by finding who we are and what makes us feel good. Dealing with heartache is something which has no standard manual to it. There is no “Heartache for Dummies” (or is there?) for you to run to every time you think your heart has healed, only to realise that it is breaking into tiny smithereens yet again. It’s trial and error. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And much as it hurts, I believe it makes us stronger in some way.

With only one condition though – each time our heart breaks, we have to go to the root of the problem and at least attempt to solve it. According to your own way. No one is the same no matter how similar our circumstances are. No one can tell the other how to solve their problem just because it worked for them. Because what may work for A may not work for B. And with each attempt, there will be self-discovery. And with discovery, comes out the truth. And with truth comes respect and trust. And with that, love is born. And the best thing is that love will be a love more magnanimous than the others – a love for ourselves.

Only when we love ourselves will anyone else in this world learn how to love us. Our public display of love towards ourselves will empower and attract people to love us in return. (just make sure you don’t get to a point where it appears chauvinistic. total turn off)

It’s not easy – it was never intended to be. Sometimes, there are people who move on more quickly than the rest, but does that really mean they have really stopped hurting? Not necessarily so. Moving on just happens to be the way they deal because they know it hurts us. People can be morbid like that, oh yes they can be

Point is, it will all get better in time. Even if at this point in time, you don’t really know what to do.

Promise yourself to be your own Sunshine.

(caveat - it's never easy and so I said so. if it were me in those shoes, I would have a tougher time because that's just who I am)


On another (unrelated) note:

Happy birthday, old boy!


May we have many more happy years, insyaAllah...









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May 11, 2010

ICTF.

These days, it's really tough to get someone who will teach you things you should know. So, imagine how hard it is to get someone who will teach you things you don't and shouldn't (but in a way, should) know. No one bothers to spill tricks of the trade because everyone is so busy doing their own thing - but not my immediate boss. No sirree.

I've never openly blogged about her because we don't blog about our offices/senior colleagues that much, right? Bahaya is one thing, the other thing is that, there was not a time when I felt the need to complain or do a review or anything of that sort about her. I always thought that I would remain under her protective wing and would be able to get as much ilmu out of her as I possibly can.

I haven't done that many big assignments with her, but when I get my grubby hands on them, she always makes sure I get what I am doing. It's very seldom that she will tell me to do something without telling me the reason/asking me to find out the reason before actually doing it. Bottom line is that she believes that when we understand, we would enjoy doing the work better. Plus, she knows that the next time she asks us to do a similar assignment, we would already know what to look for.

No, we are not friends. We always remained professional. But there is some kind of bond - one which spells TRUST. She trusts that I will not spill about her deepest darkest secrets (what do you expect, kalau dah buat kerja sampai pukul 9 malam 3 days in a row, sure keluar macam-macam cerita right?) and I know where I stand. I've never crossed the line. Work is work. Boss is boss. And did I tell you how garang my boss can be?

But I knew all along that she is my saviour from whatever (or whoever) that was making my life miserable earlier on in my career.

She is one of those teachers who is willing to listen to my nonsensical theories/comments about things which I don't understand. Plus, I no longer have someone in the office who appreciates honesty. It's easy to tell my boss openly that I don't understand things and that I need help because she won't say, "Itu pon tak reti?"

NEVER. Tak pernah sekali pon. If I don't know something and admit it, she will show me/give me clues on how to solve that particular problem. I have learnt so much from her. More than I did before. But it's still not enough.

Plus, she's the ONLY boss yang tak akan panggil balik office masa orang sedang kursus UNLESS it is necessary (macam negotiation e-Court with company tak dapat dielakkan) because she knows how annoying it is. I always brag about this with my friends sebab dia orang selalu kena datang balik office.

Which is why, news of transfer is hurting me quite badly at the moment.

My protective wing is leaving this place and I'm baffled.

More than anything, I am scared. Very scared.

Those on the other side receiving her, pick her brains! She's so smart you would gape in awe every time dia bagi comment/ulasan yang terlalu munasabah. You'll go, "Now, why didn't I think of that earlier?"

Like all the time.

Damn. Rasa nak nangis sekarang sebab baru serah tugas. Tsk. Macam mana nak pergi meeting tanpa discussion yang bernas lepas ni :'(





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May 10, 2010

run forrest run.


 I have been feeling rather melancholic lately. I don’t know why. So emotional. So deep. So lost in thought. There’s no specific reason of course, and life has not been unkind to me. In fact, it has been so, so kind. In fact, today marks one of the good beginnings in my life, insyaAllah.

Something brought me to a different path today. A path which spells the “P A S T”. It was in a way bittersweet. It reminds me that things change and we all move on. Whether or not we really, actually do is a different matter altogether, but what’s important is that we appear as if we are not stuck in a past no one really wants to remember.

There’s a mountain of things which I am currently experiencing and I can’t even start describing how they are affecting me. I just want some things which I cannot have (yet), feel some things I cannot help feeling and there are only 3 ways to go about it:

  • pray
  • run
  • bake

The first obviously helps because I know that Allah listens. When I cry for no reason, He listens and doesn’t think I am silly. Sometimes, we all need to let loose. Tears were made for a reason and mine’s to let my tension go.

I want and need a run more than anything right now, not just because it is good for me, but also because it lets me be. I can run down the hill with arms flailing and my heart burning but it’ll all be good in the end. I just know it will.

And baking. I used to bake a whole lot although I don’t end up consuming much or any of the things I make. It’s a huge stress reliever and it’s an activity long due. I don’t even have any reason to justify my baking activities or the lack of it.

Something is doing this to me, but I don’t know what. Maybe, just maybe, it’s a phase I’m going through. I will toughen it through. InsyaAllah.




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May 07, 2010

the last straw.

Something is stressing me out. No, maybe there are many things stressing me out at the moment, despite the buzzing good news surrounding me. It's affecting me because I am not a good liar. I cannot be in a bad mood and maintain a straight face. Especially when I can no longer find the source of my misery. It cannot be helped.

I went to futsal last night with hopes of releasing that tension. I've got some pent-up issues burning in my head - I just needed to let go. But for many reasons, last night wasn't much of what I anticipated. The crowd has grown out of control, on the guys' part especially.

I know guys are mean, but I didn't know that working guys lack in any form of courtesy. In the first place, they didn't even know each other, and so, we brought them together. And the next thing you know, they're turning their backs on us, by conquering the court, giving us less time to play. They won't do the bookings and go through all the nitty gritty stuff - they just play.

I haven't joined them for 2 weeks now and yesterday, I was hoping to have a good evening with my friends. But I've had it. Last night was the last straw. They had the cheek to throw us out of the court after less than 20 minutes playing??? I stormed off the moment we left the court. I've had it with the guys. I'm thinking - next week, it's either they come at another time, or I won't be bothered to make that journey to Ampang from Putrajaya. Just not worth my fuel anymore.

On the other things which are making me crazy, let's just save that for another day.




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May 05, 2010

Not everyone is someone.

I had a nice chat with one of my Kesayangans yesterday. Yes, I know 2 of you contacted me yesterday and we had a whole message thread (I can still read messages in FB via hotmail, baru discover) but this chat was the one I had with the one who always seems to call me at the right time, out of the blue, just to chat. And the next thing you know, I’m telling her everything I have been keeping to myself, which I didn’t plan on telling anyone in the first place. Well, anyways, it was all good.

And yesterday, my friend and I agreed that not everyone is someone.

Don’t know if I’ve written on anything like this before because it feels like I have, but I know you wouldn’t want to comb through each and every post I’ve written just to see if I have because even I wouldn’t do the same.

Are you picky about who you are friends with? I consider myself an introvert. Not just because I enjoy my time alone, but also because I tend to stick to things I am comfortable with because… they provide me comfort? In this world today, I feel like it’s so difficult to get just a little bit of comfort. It’s difficult to feel comfortable around people you don’t know, because more often than not, you’re being judged. From the things you wear to the things you say – people judge and you know it. Because you can’t help doing it yourself, too.

And in this world today, everyone has trust issues. You tell someone something and the next thing you know, your next door neighbour in the office already knows that “something” you told the other person “in confidence”. No one talks about the oh-so-boring problems surrounding the world anymore. No one talks about inventions because everything there is to help us out has been invented. So, we talk about people. Sometimes, too much about the same old people. Let’s just face the fact that in the world today, no one can be trusted and that one day, you’ll end up as a centre of gossip because that’s what people do best – they gossip.

So, is it any surprise if we pick and choose our friends like choosing flavours at the ice cream parlour? It’s not often that we pick a newly introduced flavour unless someone recommends it to us, right? Because there’s always a possibility that the choices we make could backfire and there goes RM7.90 (kalau beli Baskin Robbins la hehe).

Likewise with friends. We can’t help but want to talk to the same people, even when we don’t have anything substantive to talk about. Because we have experienced our efforts to make friends with other people being shot down point blank and there goes our ego (especially for people like me, whose egotism is as high as the clouds. cakap clouds sebab sky takda limit. mine still has its limits. perlu ke nak explain? hehe). Obviously with bad experiences of all sorts, we tend to stick to the same close-knit set of people. At least you know at the end of the day, they’ve got your back.

Speaking of friendship and all else in between, I do really feel like FB has come to that point of being invasive. Though I must say that most of the time, the invasion happens by choice since most people don’t mind sharing what they do, feel or think with everyone at every hour of the day anymore, not bearing in mind that there are strangers reading and observing and forever judging at the other end of the screen.

Now, FB has sort of automatically linked us with the things/people/groups which they think we should be affiliated with. Imagine that, a computer program telling us what they have concluded from the things we disclose. Imagine what mere muggles like ourselves would conclude when we put emotions, judgment and thoughts into the equation. It could get really ugly, don’t you think so?

I really wonder why people put in so much of their lives on FB. Maybe I’m not interesting enough to disclose much of anything there. Or maybe, I’m just cautious because I know that at least 20 out of the list of “friends” are people whom I’ve never even said “hello” to in real life.

Point of this long post is actually a very simple one – not everyone is someone to us. Not everyone was meant for everyone and FB has just managed to break down that barrier, whether rightly or wrongly so, is up to you to decide. I still think that I’d like the people around me to be my everything.

And that does not include everyone – as it should be.





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May 04, 2010

an empty house.

I just got back to the office yesterday after a whole week of attending a Course last week. The Course was interesting albeit a tad too technical for me and of course, it was good to get a break from the office. Everyone needs that once in a while.

Now that I’m back, I’m bogged down with whatever that is pending from before I left, which is not a lot, but technical. So, that complicates matters a whole lot. I am trying not to use the “technical” excuse as a reason for the pace of my work and I am determined. Very determined to understand everything that I did not and thought I could never understand.

All this because I met one of Abdul’s friends for dinner last weekend. I consider him very successful for his age. Well, not to my surprise, since he is driven, hardworking and very determined; qualities which I am lacking day after day after day. And that, according to him, is nothing, if compared to his good friends who are CEOs of their own companies, etc. And all this at the wee age of 34. Amazing.

How did they get to become so rich at such a young age?

I actually asked that question outright. And his secrets aren’t secrets at all, apparently. According to him, his secret to success is practicing what he did when he was studying. He brought his manuals home, took out a notebook, jotted down everything he didn’t understand and asked questions – one more quality lacking in people, generally. Nobody really asks that many questions anymore nowadays, right? Everyone’s afraid of being labeled stupid, but not him. No sirree.

I told him that I didn’t have that much time to do what I did when I was studying and guess what his advice was? He told me to “invest” some time in my work. Come to think of it, that was something which I did back then (when studying) without anyone having to tell me. I have stopped “investing” my time in my work too much. I still try as much as possible, of course. But with crazy deadlines and everything else “in-between” which distracts me from doing a good job, I think it’s been such a long time since I felt really, really proud (or really, really sure) about what I am doing.

I came into the office yesterday, feeling ashamed of myself – and of course, more than determined to ensure I instill my pride back into my work, though I knew very well that my efforts won’t exactly be something people would shout out about.

And for the most part of yesterday, it worked. That positive attitude worked.

That’s of course until another “in-between” came to disturb me and I lost my momentum. So, here I am again – still trying very hard not to allow distractions to distract me. But come to think of it, they are called distractions.

I’ve just got to face the fact that this life ain’t perfect. No, it isn’t.

Because even Abdul’s friend is not perfect. Even with that kind of money, he still goes home to an empty house. Though it might be by choice, is that the kind of life I really want? No. I’d rather have a home than a house.

Life goes on. Oh, well, it always does.






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