August 27, 2007

instability strikes hard

There are a lot of things that I have never done during my BLS years that I have now learnt and picked up during my Honours. For example, reading for a test at the very last minute. My test is in approximately 12 hours and to be very honest, I’m almost coming to that point where I don’t really want to give a damn anymore. It’s just too taxing to think about, and I think that if I think any longer, I might just go crazy.

But being me, I know that I would at the very least flip thorough all the pages if not read through them thoroughly. I’m just learning the art of compromising. I don’t want to do each and every single thing too perfectly for fear that I might break down of stress. And at this point in time, stress really is the last thing I need.

I had quite a day today, actually. I actually wore something other than my pyjamas and black and white outfit due to certain occasions. Today was Batts brother’s wedding ceremony, and so it was fun to do something different and go someplace else other than the office. I also had the opportunity of brushing shoulders with YAA Richard Malajum, which was a superb experience. He really seems like a cool person, honest.

But today is coming to an end, and I don’t know how to boost my own morale to face the office tomorrow. I absolutely have no enthusiasm whatsoever. I think all of this is killing me softly.

Other than that, I’m feeling fine I guess. Everything’s good bar a few. I’ve nothing much to complain about other than the endless supply of workload. I think I need a long, hot bath and just to cry my eyeballs out for no reason. Probably then, I’d feel better. I also need a long hug, badly.

August 26, 2007

somebody hug me...

An outing with jantung hatiku; that’s what I needed to make me feel alive.

It’s been 7 long weeks and that means that I’ve won half the battle already. I know that counting the days will probably make time pass by slower, but really, I can’t wait for all of this to be over so that I can finally get a good, proper rest.

Actually, last weekend, I got my well-deserved rest. I really needed those long naps and unlimited consumption of food. And of course I was blessed with great company and endless laughter. So, l’m glad I took last weekend off.

But now that I’m back, I feel like I have second thoughts of what I’m currently doing. I don’t want to deny the fact that I have basically no other life, other than what I have at the office. I can never promise anyone for a date because I will never know what is around the corner. OU, which used to be my playground; I haven’t been to for a long, long time. I have cravings that have yet to be fulfilled. I have friends that I dearly miss and would really like to have a chat with. I have so many none work-related things that I would like to do but my weekends are robbed off me. My weekdays are stolen. My nights are occupied with piles of work and books. And the weekend off last week made me think of how much I really would like a normal life like I used to have.

But like my brother said just now, if I had any other option, he’d probably tell me to quit. But since I really have no other choice, I have to either toughen out through it, or quit and die and do nothing. So, really, I think I just have to toughen it out right now, right? I don’t know. I guess I really have won half the battle already since I have yet broken down due to anything work-related. But still.

Know what, I think I’ll just stop. There’s something on my mind which I’m not entitled to share. So I’ll leave this at this.

August 12, 2007

energizer bunny

For some reason, which still is very much unfathomable to me, the moot court gives me a sense peace. It could be because it is such a familiar place, that it gives me comfort in knowing that good things have happened in here and that great memories and everlasting friendships have been forged during the long hours we spent together in here earlier this year.

It’s going to be the 6th week into this programme next week and I’m not even sure I want to describe what it feels like. I don’t think I have much to complain about because everyone is getting the same amount of workload and the workload really is shite. It’s definitely more than anyone can handle, but we’re handling it anyways.

It’s not tough being a person people depend on. It’s not difficult being the person in charge when the rest of the group is cooperative and is the least of my problems. It’s just me. I’m afraid of not being able to do a good job out of all this. I keep on thinking on how to keep their morale boosted so that we won’t ever be too tired to do work together. I keep on thinking if there is any other way I can give them the freedom of thought; of how to think, but I can think of no other way because I just can’t think anymore.

I am known to at least a handful of people as the energizer bunny. I’ll be running up the long flight of stairs in the morning and still be doing the same at 6 o’clock and also at 10 o’clock when my classes have all finally come to an end. I try my best to keep and conserve all the good energy as much as possible.

But then again, even energizer bunnies run out of batteries sometimes, right? Sometimes, I feel like I just need a long, hot shower and a long nap during the weekend so that I can recharge and rejuvenate. Only that way will I be able to make the best of this brain that Allah has gracefully and unselfishly lent to me.

So, after 6 weeks of going through so many classes and files and book, and a whole load of stairs, tell me how else am I a supposed to keep up with my own pace, which I have set, and determined to maintain, and how am I supposed to boost the morale of my ever-helpful firm mates, when I, myself am losing it?

But I read somewhere, “…Allah will not give us something that we cannot handle…”
I plan to hold on to that.